2346 - Jokes today

It's joke .... what is today.... WEDNESDAY!!!!!



I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called"Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!


********


A Greek and an Italian are arguing the virtues of their respective cultures in antiquity.
The Greek says, "Us Greeks had great armies and built a great empire that expanded throughout the Mediterranean and Asia Minor."

The Italian says, "And the Romans had greater armies and a much bigger empire, encompassing most of Europe and parts of Asia and Africa."

The Greek says, "But the Greeks made great advances in art and philosophy!" And the Italian says, "Yes, and the Romans made even greater advances in architecture and science!"

The Greek is getting frustrated now, and blurts out, "Well, we discovered the pleasures of love and sex!"

The Italian responds, "Yeah, but we introduced the concept to women."


********


A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"


********


At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings. 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yup sure did!'

'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?'

'Yup!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'


********

One day, Miley Cyrus had a business suit on and was carrying a briefcase. When she walked outside, a man noticed what she was wearing. "Wow, you're looking great! Where are you going?" the man asked. She responded "Twerk."


********


A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"


********


The farmer's wife went into a coma at home, and he summoned the doctor.

"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the funeral home for you."

The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer suddenly lurched to avoid a holly bush, lost his balance, and dropped his end of the stretcher. The jolt brought the woman back to consciousness. In a week, she'd made a full recovery and was back at the farm.

Several years later she went into a coma again. This time the doctor sadly assured her husband she was unquestionably dead.

The undertakers were summoned. As the stretcher bearers inched down the steps and headed for the driveway with the corpse, the farmer cautioned, "Watch out for that holly bush."