2582 - Thursday jokes

A guy with a gun enters a bar...
"Who had sex with my wife!?" He snarled.
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"


Greg is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Greg that he has earned right for one wish.
Greg: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time.
God: Ehhhh…. your wish is too materialistic! I would have to get the concrete, carefully think about the design, along with pipes and suspensions for balance and aesthetics. It would be quite a bit to handle on my part! Wish something else and I will grant it.
Greg: Alright…Hmmm OK I wish to be able to read women’s minds. I want to know exactly what they're thinking at all times, what they mean when they say “nothing”. Basically, I want to understand women inside out.
God: So you want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?


My buddy told me he had a threesome with his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked how he could tell them apart. He said "Her brother had a mustache."


Do you know what evil kisses sound like?
Muah hahaha


A father comes home one day with a large cardboard box. When he unpacks it, the family's startled to see it contains a humanoid robot.
"This is a lie detector 'bot," the dad says. "It's programmed to slap anyone who tells a lie." He looks at his son and says, "Timmy, what were you watching over at your friend Joey's house last night?"
Timmy says, "Um...we were watching 'Toy Story'."
The robot slapped Timmy.
"OW!" Timmy says. "Okay, I admit it! We were watching porn!"
"Hah!" the dad says. "It works. And I'm ashamed of you. In my day we never even knew what porn was, much less watched it."
The robot slapped dad.
"Haha!" the mom laughs. "He's your kid, all right."
The robot slapped mom.


A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.
After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.
I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything".