2588 - Jokes

Some Wednesday jokes. Some old, some not....

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant announces a message over the speaker.
"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...
...wasn't the captains fault,
...definitely wasn't my fault,
...it was the asphalt."


These two guys are drinking in a bar 30 floors up in a skyscraper. One guy turns to the other and says, "did you know that the wind is really unique around this particular skyscraper?" "How so?" asks the other. "Well, somehow, the updraft is so strong that you can jump out the window and it will carry you right back up." "Bullshit," says the other. "No really! I'll prove it to you!" says the first guy. Then he gets up, opens the window and jumps out. The second runs up and watches out the window, as the first guy falls down past ten floors, than slowly stops, and drifts back up. "See? I told you so." The second guys downs his drink and says, "Jesus, I gotta try this!" Then he jumps out the window and falls past ten floors, then twenty floors, then, with a scream, he falls past the last ten floors and splats on the ground. The first guy sits down and orders a drink. As he's serving it to him, the bartender says, "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."


Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.


So Tom goes to his doctor for his annual physical while sitting in the examining room he notices a large machine with a lot of lights and buttons looking more complicated than the space shuttle cockpit. The doctor walks in and explains that the this new machine can diagnose every possible ailment with just a urine sample. Tom produces the sample the doctor puts it into the machine. After a few moments of flashing lights and whirring noises the machine produces a small printout. The doctor informs Tom that he has tennis elbow. "Tennis elbow that's ridiculous I have never even played tennis doc I think your machine is broken" The doc explains that this machine is very accurate but if Tom would like to submit another sample tomorrow That would be all right. So the doctor gave Tom a sample cup to bring home to make it easier. On His Way Home Tom got really angry about the whole thing, pissed off at the whole notion that a machine could replace a doctor so he decides to teach this doc and his machine a lesson. He gets home and has his wife and daughter pee in the cup he pees in the cup somehow he gets the family dog to pee in the cup. He takes the dipstick out of his car swirls that in the cup, and to top it off Tom rubs one out into the cup. The next day Tom feeling father smug watches as the doctor puts the sample in the machine. He laughs to himself as all the lights and noises are going on and when the printout surfaces he braces himself for the win that is coming. "So what's the verdict ?" Well you are overdue for an oil change, your daughter is pregnant, your wife has gonorrhea, your dog has worms and if you don't stop jerking off that tennis elbow is never going away.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying on your doorstep? Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the swimming pool? Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs laying on the grill? Frank.
What do you call a woman with no arms or legs hanging on your door frame? Belle.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.


A vulture is boarding a plane with a dead raccoon under each wing, when the gate attendant stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed one carrion."