2616 - Wednesday jokes... Arrrrr and X

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."


A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."


A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls'


So there was a deaf couple, a man and a woman, who ran into an unexpected issue.
When the man and the woman went to bed there was no way to communicate if the man or woman wanted to have sex with the lights off; after a few nights of awkwardly pawing at each other the woman devised an ingenious solution.
Before bed the woman signed to the man:
"If you want to have sex just squeeze my left boob, and if you don't want to have sex just squeeze my right boob."
The man thought about this for a few moments and replied:
"That's a great idea! So if you want to have sex just tug on my penis, if you don't want to have sex tug on my penis 100 times."