2724 - Jokes

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.
Must be some kind of milestone.

One day little Susie went into her backyard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why are Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a goner."


What do you get when you try to inject Human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo, apparently.


Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion - a truly astronomical number. So, from that day forward he always carried a bomb with him when he flew.


Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.


Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?
He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."


A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried. "$1500 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"


A man started a business in Afghanistan.
He's making landmines that look like prayer mats.
"It's going well," he said. "Prophets are going through the roof."


A German, French, and Russian lady were meeting and talking about differences in cultures.
"Well, I have 3 pair of underwear", says the French Lady, "for morning, evening and night"
"Well, I have 7", says the German Lady, "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday ......"
"Well", says the Russian woman, "I have twelve, "January, February, March..."


I burnt 1200 calories today!
I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.