2745 - Jokes

So, I ordered a Home Rorschach Test.
But all they sent me was a bunch of pictures of my dad having sex with my mom.


Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives.
The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you coward!' "


My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues.
I'll show HIM!


Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union; half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease; and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks the angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile, "Where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"


An older woman is watching the news when a newscaster cuts in.
"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."
The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.
"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"
Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one. There's hundreds of them!"


Sarah Palin calls Dianne Feinstein's office and says, "Hello, may I please speak to Senator Feinstein?" The secretary said, "It's Rosh Hashanah, Senator Feinstein isn't here today." Palin replies, "Oh, hello Rosh, can you please take a message for me?"


A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing, "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again... " The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music.


Glass coffins - will they catch on?
Remains to be seen!


I once saw this kinda cute homeless girl on the street. She must've been recently homeless, didn't look too bad yet. So I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said "sure". Man, the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box.


My wife is weird. She always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"