2752 - Jokes and puns

From Heidi in yesterdays comments - 'Radiologist selfies, a new dimension in exposure.'



I lost my job on a farm counting sheep. I kept falling asleep.


I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.
I've had it up to here with them.


How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq?
Iran.


My girlfriend treats me like God.
She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.


My boyfriend treats me like God.
He usually ignores me but about once a week he comes over to my house and puts a donation in the box.


What do you call a color that doesn't exist?
A pigment of your imagination.
      That blue my mind.
      That was golden.
      I smiled when I red that.
      It tickled me pink.
      These replies have left a big green on my face.
      All of these puns are aquaward.
      Orange you glad no ones added anymore puns then?

 
My wife left me because I couldn't control my pasta touching fetish.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I wanted to have a threesome.
But then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.


For those of you who were wondering what it was like to be married.
I just found out this morning that I am on day 3 of an argument that I didn't know I was having.


As he sat down, he accidentally knocked the spoon off the table. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.
"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
Yes. Ever since we had an efficiency determine that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying extra spoons with us, we save lots of time replacing them."
After the diner ate his meal he noticed a string coming from the waiter's fly.
"Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
"Yes. All the waiter do. The same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands in the men's room. The other end of the string is tied to my penis. I simply pull the string to get out my penis, piss, then return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"That's some system you got there. But how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."