2759 - Jokes

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?' Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response..
So he walks right up behind her. 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?'
'Damn it, Fred, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'


A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.
The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the young woman and got what he deserved."
The young woman thinks "that blind fool tried to kiss me, and kissed the old woman instead."
The officer thinks "That cheeky private kissed the girl and she thought it was me."
The soldier thinks "That worked out pretty well. I kissed the back of my own hand and got to slap an officer."


What do you call a prostitute who does both men and women?
An omniwhore.


Joseph Smith sold so many copies of the Book of Mormon,
that they made him a prophet.


A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.
The town doesn't have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he'll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.
The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.
After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I'm not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.
The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”
The man asks, “Why not?”
The sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”


A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired," he asked again. She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.


Two guys were trying to measure the height of a flagpole. They had a tape measure with them and were trying to climb the flagpole, measure in hand. A man walks by and says, "why don't you guys just lay it on the ground and measure it?" One of the guys replies, "Because we want to measure its height, not length!"


After 5 years of therapy, my therapist finally said something that brought tears to my eyes.
'No hablo ingles.'


The census taker asked a girl to give her occupation. "whore" she answered. "I can't list it that way, Miss." "Okay, put down prostitute." "I can't list it that way either." "How about chicken raiser?" "Chicken raiser?" he asked in puzzlement. "Sure, last year I raised nine hundred cocks."


Two men are painting a church.
They are painting it blue.
They get about 1/2 way done, and realize they are running out of paint. So they add a little thinner to make it stretch.
The job got 3/4 of the way done, and they are thinking that it's still not going to be enough paint. So they add more thinner.
They get the job done and stand back to look at their work. Not surprising though is that the church is one shade of blue on one end and another shade of blue on the other.
Suddenly, the skies darken and lightning strikes! A booming voice comes from the clouds and says, "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"