2787 - Saturday jokes

A guy wakes up from a coma. His doctor asks him what he remembers.
"All I remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and I couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and asked me, Can you please press one?".


Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


The teacher asked the class to compose a simple sentence using appropriate be verbs.
"She is beautiful", said Kate.
"My dogs are fat", shouted Mark.
"I is...", said Joe when the teacher interrupted.
"You always say 'I am'. Never say 'I is'", she said.
As fast as he could, Joe uttered,
"I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


A kid walks into the living room and tells his dad, "Dad, I'm freezing!"
The dad says, not looking away from the TV, "Go stand in the corner."
The kid is surprised, what did he do wrong? "But why?"
The dad looks at his son says, "The corner is 90 degrees!"


What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.


Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat!


A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral hearse for the last 25 years."


Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave.
The next morning, one husband called the other and said "No more girls' night out! My wife came back with no panties!"
The other said, "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'From all of us at the fire station... We'll never forget you!'


A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


Apparently there is a bipartisan push in the US senate to legalize marijuana for arthritis treatment.
So in other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.