2794 - Saturday jokes

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."


An old dog got lost in the savanna... Noticing easy prey a leopard prepared for an ambush behind a tree. However, the dog could also smell the leopard and being quite crafty he took a quick survey of the area and found a bone. With the bone in his mouth he soliloquized "Oh my goodness, this is so tasty! I love leopard meat! I wish I could find another to eat!"
The leopard became nervous and decided to run away. A monkey, who was watching the entire scene, ran after the leopard climbing from treetop to treetop. Upon catching up to the leopard the monkey mocked him and told him how the old dog had tricked him. Furious, the leopard ran back to the old dog being followed all the while above the trees by the monkey.
But the dog once again caught wind of the leopard and the monkey. Thinking quickly on his feet the old dog said aloud "DAMMIT, where is that pesky monkey? He promised to bring me another leopard!"


So I went to the clothing store to buy some camouflaged pants...
...and I couldn't find any.


Someone asked me how we usually view lesbians in this country.
Apparently, "usually in HD" wasn't the answer he was looking for.


'Son, we need to talk!'
'Yes, dad?'
'Your mother said she saw you watching inappropriate videos online. Those videos are trash, they’re garbage and if you keep watching them, you'll go blind!'
'Dad?'
'Yes, son?'
'I'm over here.'


Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!". The bar gets quiet as everyone waits to see what the other will do. The first guy again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!".
The other looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."


A good friend of mine worked in a pickle factory.
For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. The therapist advised my friend to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day, my friend came home from work very early. His wife became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
For the first time, my friend tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
His wife gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
My friend replied, "I think she got fired too."


What is the worst part of being a kid in Kentucky at Christmas? Only having one set of grandparents buying you gifts.


There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week. He lost 50.



You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “ This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.” The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, “ We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
...1/3 ownership in the store,
...a company pickup truck,
...a king size bed and
...$3,000 a month in living expenses.



What did Kate Middleton find out on her wedding night?
That not all rulers are twelve inches long.


My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.
So I told him, "IF YOU DON'T STOP BLEEDING YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"