2808 - Saturday jokes

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea.
He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.


I went to a posh school.
In fact it was so posh, their gym was called James.


The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER"...
..is when they are lowering my casket into the ground!


What do Pavlov's dogs call storefront bell-ringers?
The Salivation Army.


Why did the Chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.


Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and scraped knees.
Apparently she stood him up.


During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?
"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.


Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring YOU that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"


I'm on a whisky diet.
I've lost three days already.


My book fell from above and hit me on my head.
All I can do is blame my shelf.


How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
By running!
J.K!
Rowling.


This guy brings a friend home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a damn mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my damn pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?! Why the hell did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."


An Arab student e-mails his dad...
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million dollars have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad


A piece of toast, some bacon, and a fried egg walked into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".


It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.
Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.


I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.


A piece of rope walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve rope here."
Rope walks outside, frizzes up his hair, and ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the same piece of rope that I just kicked out of here?"
Rope says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."


I treat my body like a temple.
I fill it with crap for the afterlife.


A Star Wars themed sex technique has been discovered.
It's called the Hands Solo.


I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today.
At least I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.


A mosquito landed on my spouse's face.
Easiest decision of my life.