2815 Saturday jokes

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick.
She's still not talking to me.


Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning.
As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."


Two men are playing golf near a country road when they see a funeral procession go by. One of them stops playing, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The other says "thats very decent of you, to stop playing and pay your respects." The first one responds "Well I'd think so; we were married for 52 years."


Just watched a pirated movie.
It was rated 3.14.

(pi rated)


Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me!
I only received super fish oil injuries.


Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"
The second drunk says, "You're crazy!" The first drunk says, "I'm serious! Watch!"
The first drunk jumps off of the building, and he floats right back up to the top! The second drunk says, "Let me try!"
So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!
The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk!"


The necrophiliac thought she was have sex with a dead body.
But then he came too.


A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just taking a shit."


Jesus tells Peter, "Come forth and you shall have eternal glory!"
Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.


I stayed up all night, because I wanted to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.


A (fill in a state name) boy was having sex with his sister. After they were done the sister looked at her brother and said, "you screw just like dad does." The brother looked at her in shock then replied, "That is exactly what mom said!"


What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd?
One says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"
The other says, "Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe!


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?" "Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".


As he started the prostate exam, the doctor told me:
- Don't worry, it is perfectly normal to have an erection during this procedure.
But I don't have an erection.
- I'm not talking about you.


A girl got her nipple pierced at the bar last night.
I'm not very good at darts.


For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."


Why do you bury lawyers 20 feet deep?
Because deep down they're good people.


Two fishermen in a kayak were getting cold. They decided to build a fire between them to warm up. Of course, the craft burned and sank, proving you can't have your kayak and heat it too.