2817 - Monday old people jokes

I ran across a flurry of old people jokes. They couldn't wait until Saturday.


On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."
The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old replied, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


A 90 year old man went to the doctor and announced he had just married a foxy 18 year old and wanted a prescription for Viagra so he could "do his marital duties"
The doctor, concerned for the old man's heart health agreed and while writing out the script, suggested that perhaps the old man should be careful how often he used it. The man protested that being 18, his wife would expect a certain amount of attention. The doctor agreed and suggested the old man take on a young roommate and maybe the extra company would be good for his bride.
The old man agreed cheerfully and left the office.
Several months later he came in for a check up and was making small talk with the doctor.
"My wife's having a baby! Can you believe at my age I managed that?"
The doctor agreed it was a marvel.
"I suppose that roommate is working out well then?" He asked.
"Oh as well as could be expected. I got her pregnant too though, don't tell the missus."


A 95 year old man went to the doctor and after the small talk, went on to inquire if the doc could write him a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was concerned for the old man's condition and did warn him about any potential hearth health risks if he overdoes it. The old guy proceeded: "But doc, I only need one every four days or so. I'm gonna split it in quarters and take a quarter daily." The doctor, slightly amused: "But listen, a quarter of Viagra won't do you much good. You need a whole pill for a good sexual experience." "Oh, but, doc, at my age sexual experiences of any sort are completely out of the question. I just need as much as to not pee on my slippers every damn time. "


A 97 year old Grandpa and his wife visit their grown-up grandson one night. While in the bathroom, Grandpa discovers a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cupboard. "I don't think you should take one of those," says the grandson when his grandpa asks him about them: "They're pretty expensive." "How much?" asks the old timer. "$20 a pill," replies the grandson. "I'd still like to try one," says the old man: "Before we go in the morning I'll leave the money under the pillow in the guest room." The next day the grandson goes into the guest room, and lifts the pillow to find $120. Puzzled, he calls his grandpa. "Grandpa, I told you the pills were $20 each!" he says. "I know," says the old man: "The extra $100 is from your grandma!"