2822 - Saturday jokes

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.


Meanwhile in business news, balloon prices are plummeting. Experts are putting it down to a poor inflation rate. Also, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. The market for raisins dried up. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.


I got married last week my fiance and I were both virgins, and the night before our wedding my fiance came up to me and said, " I have to admit something.... My boobs are not really this big. I've been stuffing my bra the whole time!" I responded, "It's Ok, I am not marrying you for your boobs!" "I have something to admit as well.... I am hung like a baby!"
She also said, "It's OK, I am not marrying you for the size of your penis!"
So on our wedding night, after everyone had left we went to out hotel room. I was sitting on the bed and she told me to wait there. She went into the bathroom and cleaned up, she came out naked. I immediately told her, "Your boobs are beautiful and I would not change a thing!"
I started to get undressed and got to my underwear, I took them off, and she fainted. I ran over to her to check on her. When she came to she looked at me and said "I thought you were hung like a baby"
"I am, 7 pounds 6 ounces, 19 and a half inches"


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”


How do you confuse someone that's gay?
Around .............. (are you confused?)


There was a college professor who liked to tell "dirty" stories during lectures. A group of annoyed female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he thought of a plan.
Halfway through the next lecture, he began his dirty story; "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, got up and started for the door. "Slow down ladies," said the professor with a smirk, "the next plane doesn't leave until tomorrow afternoon."


A husband asks his wife after sex "Honey why don't you ever tell me when you are having an orgasm?" She replies "Well I would Dear but you're never around when I do."

Two guys are working for the city. As they went down the street, one would dig a hole--he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole--fill, fill, fill. The two worked furiously--one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man watching them from the sidewalk couldn't believe how hard they were working, but he also couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he said to the digger, “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole, and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!” The hole digger replied, “Oh yeah. We must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”


A woman had just given birth to a baby boy. The doctor was holding him and told the parent, "I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"


A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?' The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'


Jesus walks into a hotel, throws some nails on the counter and says to the clerk, "Can you put me up for the night?"


Don't you hate it when someone answers their own question?
I do.