2843 - Saturday jokes

Did you hear about the guy that was exorcised?
He didn't pay the priest and got repossessed.


Wife: "I'm gonna fire our chauffeur!!! He's such a pathetic driver, this is the third time he almost got me killed...."
Husband: "Dear, lets give him another chance."


Three guys are at a firing squad and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, "Fire!"


I'm writing a book about poets who have been jailed.
It's called prose and cons.


A police officer stops a speeding car and approaches the driver Police: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Driver:" Nope" Police: "Can I see your Licence?" Driver: "Sorry officer, it has expired" The officer raises an eyebrow Officer: "Can I see your Registration" Driver: "You don't want to do that, this car is actually stolen" * The officer begins to tense* Officer: "Open up your trunk!" Driver: "you definitely don't want to do that, there is a dead hooker in there"
The police officer calls back up. 5 policemen approach and search the car. They find no dead hooker, the car isn't stolen and the licence isn't expired.
One of the officers approaches the driver and says: "Sorry sir, there seemed to be a mistake. One of the officers said that you stole a car with an expired licence and killed a hooker."
Driver: "Yeah, I bet he told you I was speeding too"


A rich woman feigns illness and leaves a party early. When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom. "Jeeves? Take off my coat." "Yes, madam." "Jeeves, remove my high heels." "Yes, madam." "Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor! "Yes, madam." "Jeeves, remove my brassiere and panties." "Yes, madam." "Jeeves?" "Yes, madam?" "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."


Two nuns are in an elevator. The elevator stops and a man wearing trench coat gets on. When the doors close, the man turns to face the nuns and pulls open his coat to expose a raging boner. One nun gasps and puts her hand over her heart and says, "I...I think I'm going to have a stroke!". The other nun says, "Do what you want sister but I'm not going to touch that thing."


A man and a monkey walk into a bar. The man sits down and orders a beer.
The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there.
The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!"
The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A couple days later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer.
The monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball.
The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He swallowed the cue ball!"
The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A week later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer.
The monkey jumps onto the bar, picks up a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender says, "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Your monkey stuck that cherry up his butt and ate it."
The man says, "Yeah, ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."


She criticized my apartment.
So I knocked her flat.
But I apologized.
Now she thinks I'm suite.


In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.


Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The Future".
"Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is". Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit".


So last Saturday I'm sat at home in front of the tv when my phone rings.
"Hello, who's this?" I answer.
"Hi it's Margery, I'm your brother's next door neighbour. Sorry but I didn't know who else to ring, a pipe has broke in your brother's house and it's flooding."
See my brother lives in Wales but was on holiday in Spain and his neighbour had no way to contact him.
So I said, "Well the only person who has a key is his daughter who works in London, I'll give her a ring and she'll drive up as soon as she can."
But here's the thing, his daughter works in a phone sex centre! And I unfortunately didn't have her mobile number so I had to ring her at work!
So when she answers the phone she says, 'Hello big boy, what can I do for you tonight?'
'Sorry Lucy, I'm definitely not looking for any phone sex what so ever, it's your uncle Lee. I've got some bad news, a pipe has broken in your dad's house and it's flooded.'
'Oh my god!' She said 'That's terrible, I'll drive up as soon as I finish.'
I was relieved to have fixed the problem but I hadn't seen Lucy in a while so I asked her how she had been, that was a huge mistake! I forgot how much Lucy could talk, she talked non stop for two whole hours!
When I looked at my bank account the next day I saw that last nights conversation cost me £56!
Well I was furious, so that night I rang up Lucy again and explained what had happened.
'Oh Lee that's terrible, I'll talk to my boss and get that sorted for you straight away.'
'Thanks Lucy that's great,' I replied.
But trying to be polite I stupidly asked her, 'So how did it go at your dads? Did you find out what caused the leak?'
I know, I'm stupid! This time she talked for 3 whole hours. And yet again I got charged for the call, it cost me a ludicrous £87!
So the next day I called her up again and... Ah fuck it, my wife didn't believe me either.


A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question: The mathematician was first. "How much is 500 plus 500 ?", they asked "1000" he replied without hesitation. "Thank you", they dismissed him. Next the statistician. "How much is 500 plus 500?" On the average, 1000 with 95% confidence replied the statistician "Thank you", they dismissed him. Next the accountant."How much is 500 plus 500?" "What would you like it to be?", responded the accountant.


And as she's walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen the first door after hers opens up and another nun exits and says
"Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
As the first nun continues down the hallway this keeps happening.
"Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
"Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
By the end of the hallway, and 15 times later the first nun is LIVID, and marches straight to the head sister's office and throws the door open. The head nun goes to speak, when the other shouts
"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I GOT UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING! IT'S ALL I'VE HEARD THIS MORNING AND I'M FED UP WITH IT."
The head nun, stunned, says calmly "I was going to say nothing of the sort! I was merely going to ask - why are you wearing the bishop's slippers?"


Last night I went out with my colleagues for New Year party. After drinking a tad too many than I could handle, I made a sensible decision to leave car at the pub and take the bus home.
I am really proud of my self this morning, I had never driven a bus before!


You ever have one of those friends that are just OBSESSED with Star Wars? Yeah, me too. Tim Lehey is his name. Number of years he went to a -con where he met this girl Carol Hu. Now, Carol was a friggin Star Wars nut herself. They'd go on and on about how Lucas was so great and...blah blah blah... Well, they had one hell of a whirlwind romance, and decided to get married. Well, Carol was really proud of her ancestry, and told Tim that she wasn't going to take his name, so they decided that they'd just hyphenate. No problem. Kinda lost touch with em for a while, but one day I got a call and he was telling me about how they were gonna have a son. All good...nothing out of the ordinary. Until he told me what the poor boy's name was going to be. Yoda. Yes, these Star Wars nuts met, got married, and are now going to name their poor son Yoda Lehey-Hu.


I used to play hard to get until I realized that I was hard to want.


If life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.


Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he have so many pictures of my parents fighting?


An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"


An elderly gentleman answered the knock at his door. Standing there is drop dead gorgeous women. "Harold I am escort purchased by friends to give you super sex." "Great. I'll have the soup."