2850 - Saturday jokes

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.


A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first into the ground.
Slightly dazed the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes head first into the ground.
This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him.
The birds look at one another when the male bird says: I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.


A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m and his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
"No," slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”


Four nuns are in a car on a road trip but die in a car accident on the way.
They arrive at the pearly gates in heaven, where St. Peter says "I'm sure you ladies were all good since you're nuns, but you still gotta confess your sins and come clean before I can let you in" as he takes out a bucket of water.
St. Peter asks the first nun "what are you sins?" And the nun confesses that she gave a someone handjob once.
"Which hand?" "My left hand" "Place your left hand in this bucket of water and you shall be absolved of your sins"
Then St. Peter asks the 2nd nun the same question. "I too gave a man a handjob once. With my right hand" "Place your right hand in this bucket of water and you too shall be absolved of all your sins"
St Peter then asks the 3rd nun about her sins, but the 4th nun cuts him off...
"If you think I'm gargling the water in that bucket after she sticks her ass in it, you're crazy!"


A local convent is remodeling some of their rooms, and two of the nuns have been charged with repainting them all. Since neither of them have any experience painting walls, they decide to lock the door and strip naked so they don't get paint on their clothes and risk garnering the wrath of Mother Superior. All is going well after half an hour and they have one wall completed when they hear a knock at the door.
Worried that they might be in trouble they run back to their clothes as they call out "Who is it?"
"It's the blind man, I need to talk to you Sisters."
Well they don't see any harm in letting the blind man in, so rather than put their clothes back on and get them dirty after all, they both decide to just let him in.
The blind man comes and says, "Nice boobs ladies, where do you want the blinds?"


I know someone who talks like an owl.


When Jane met Tarzan in the jungle, she had never seen such a fit man, and she was greatly attracted to him. As they got to know each other, she asked him what he thought of sex.
"Sex? What is sex?" Tarzan asked.
She explained the concept, and he responded, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree for that."
Jane was horrified and said, "Oh no, you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here, Tarzan," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan stepped closer, removed his loincloth, and then gave her a powerful kick in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
He replied,"Tarzan check for bees first!"


I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
...but none of them work.


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.Thank you for taking all of us with you".
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."


A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?"
"No" the man says. "Is that still required?"


Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.”


I was in Mexico last year and saw a guy swimming in the ocean, with a shark fin sticking out of the water and heading right at him, he was yelling, "help, shark, help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.


Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic, die!", and pushed him off.


My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.
"Which one?" I replied, "Chris Jr, or the girl one?"


The whole "Pavlov's Dog Experiment" is such a load of bunk I'm sick of people bringing it up.
At this point just hearing the name "Pavlov" makes me mad.


Don't you hate it when sentences don't end the way you think they octopus?


A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, "uno, dos..." and POOF, the magician vanished without a tres.


Do competitive origami artists ever fold under pressure?