2857 - Saturday jokes

A man who just turned 105 is getting interviewed by the paper.
Journalist: "So John, congratulations on turning 105, we are writing a story about your everyday life. What is the first thing you do in the morning?"
John: "I take a piss.....oooh I piss so much!"
Journalist: "Okay John, but I can't write that in the paper, what's the second thing you do in the morning?"
John: "I shit, oh boy do I shit!"
Journalist: "John, come on, I can't write that in the paper either, what's the third thing you do in the morning?"
John: "I get up..!"


A woman hears a knock at her door.
She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.
"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered sex offender."
"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.
A few seconds later there is another knock at the door. She opens the door and the same man is standing there.
"Hello, I'm your congressman."


What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.


If you think colours aren't funny...
then you lack a sense of hue-mour.
-This blue me away
-Orange you tired of using puns yet?
-I can azure you, we're not!
-Amber-y sure where this is headed.
-The whole thing tickles me pink.
-I am verde sure this is getting out of hand.
-I'm a little green with envy at this joke.


A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."


Husband comes running in the door at home all excited. "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!" She asks, "Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" I don't care. Just get the fuck out.


I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!


So, these two guys are eating lunch and the subject of "the most painful experience of your life" comes up. The first guy thinks for a moment and says "that would have to be the time I slammed the car door on my hand". The second guy thinks and says "I know the second most painful experience of my life was when I went to take a dump in the woods and squatted down on a bear trap, the damn thing latched onto my dick and balls and I ran like hell".
The first guy says "Jesus man, if that was the second most painful experience of your life, what was the first?" and his friend replied "It came a few seconds later when I ran out of chain."


Which president was the least guilty?
Lincoln. He was in a cent.


What's the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman?
A Rolling Stone says - Hey you, get off of my cloud!
A Scotsman says - Hey McLeod, get offa my ewe!


I almost had to fight someone today after they hit me with a stick,
but he walked away like he didn't even see me.


Three Nuns Dies and Go To Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the gate and says "I am going to ask each of you a question, if you get it right you can enter Heaven; but if you get it wrong you are going to Hell!".
He then turns to the first nun and says "Who was the first man God put on Earth?" Immediately she answered "Adam", so he opens the gate and lets her into Heaven.
He then turns to the second nun and says "Who was the first woman God put on Earth?" She thinks for a few minutes and answers "Eve", so he opens the gate and lets her into Heaven.
He then turns to the third nun and says "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She looks at Saint Peter and says, "That's a hard one". He opens the gate and lets her into heaven too.


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"


A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."


Two men are drinking in a bar. One of them looks across the bar and sees two old drunks sitting at a table. He turns to his friend and says, "In ten years, that'll be us." His friend looks and says, "That's a mirror, dumbass."