2863 - Friday jokes

Well it seems I've collected too many jokes again this week so we have two joke days. One of these days I'll wish I'd saved some of them but not yet.




Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been upto;
"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night"
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.


A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two policemen standing there.
One policeman asks if he is married. He says, “Yes, I am.”
The policeman then says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”
The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”


A blonde, a brunette, and a red head Walk into an elevator.
The brunette sees something very sticky on the floor and asks "is that sperm?" The red head bends down and smells the stuff and says, "It sure smells like cum to me." The blonde kneels down gets a finger full, tastes it and proclaims, "It's nobody from this building".


What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.


You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!


What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?
They both feel like death in the morning.
or
They both have the urge to crack open a cold one.


Two Russian sailors decide to quit drinking, but they still have a bottle of vodka left, and they refuse to let it go to waste, so one says:" Anatoli, I shall hold the bottle in one hand behind my back, if you can guess which one, we will drink it, if not, i will throw it overboard." They agree on this. The first sailor hides the bottle, the second guesses:"Left!" "Keep guessing, Anatoli, keep guessing."


Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."


What do you call a dog with metal balls and short legs?
Sparky.


Two nuns are walking through town, when they are grabbed by a pair of rapists, dragged into an alley, and forced to submit to sex.
The first nun closes her eyes and says "Forgive him, Father, for he knows not what he does."
The second nun turns her head to the first nun, grins, and says "Well, mine sure does!"


'Mother Superior, Mother Superior, I've been raped!'
'Have some lemon, sister'
'Will it help?'
'No, but will certainly wipe that smile off your face'


Two nuns are in the bath.
The first nun says to the second:
"Wheres the soap."
The second nun replies:
"It does, doesn't it."


A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"! The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.
"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" the woman asked. "That's from a man in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears!"


The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.
She takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks the Queen the same question.
She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in, and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "But a royal flush beats a pair any day."


You're a vegetarian?
That's a missed steak.


What's a pirate's worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty.


Whiteboards.
They're remarkable.


So a cardiologist in a small town died. He was very well loved in the town, and every other doctor in the area came to his funeral. At the end they lowered him into the ground in a wondrous mahogany casket, shaped like a heart, lined with red velvet. It was a beautiful affair, but marred by a woman in the front row who couldn't stop laughing. After he was in the ground, she apologized, wiping her eyes, "I'm so sorry, it's just, I'm a gynecologist and I was imagining my own funeral." Everyone had a good laugh except the proctologist.


I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children", and thought to myself, "Sounds like a fair trade."


What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back at her.


What's the hardest part about being a vegan?
Finding enough protein to get the energy you need to tell everyone you have ever met that you are a vegan.


It's so cold…
I saw a rapper pulling up his pants.


A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother.'


Why does Steve Irwin's wife hate sunblock?
It didn't protect him from harmful rays.
But at least he died the way he lived....
With an animal in his heart!


I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make it go faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish.


What do you call two crows on a branch?
Attempted murder.


Two men get into an elevator in a doctors office. One man, beaming says to the other, "I just got a brand new hearing aid. It works great; if you were to drop a pin, I could hear it; if a mouse were to sneeze cross the street, I would hear it." The second man replies "that's impressive, what kind is it?" The first man looks down at his watch and says "11 o'clock."


I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.
I often wonder what she's up to now.


The granddaughter says, "Would you make a frog noise for me?" The grandad, confused asks, "why?" The granddaughter replies, "Dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland".


He asked: How do you feel about sex?
She replied: Well I like it infrequently.
He said: Is that one word or two?


A midget walks into a library and gets the woman working at the desk's attention. "Excuse me," he says. "I was just wondering if you had any books on irony?" "We do," the librarian responded. "It's on the top shelf."