2878 - Saturday jokes

A Scot, an Australian, and a Czech attended a medieval combat tournament. At first they each had some difficulties getting prepared.
The Scot was detained by police because of mistaken identity. The Australian got lost on the tournament grounds. And the Czech was having some trouble finding armor that would fit.
But it all worked out, and a mutual friend of all three inquired about their situations with a tournament official.
"Oh, yes, I've seen them. Their problems have been sorted out. The Scot is free, the Australian is out back, and the Czech is in the mail."


A man buys a new BMW. He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls over. The cop comes up and says to the man. Son, I'm at the end of my shift and you just racked up a ton of charges and paperwork for me. I'll tell you what, if you can give me the best story as to why you were speeding, I will let you go. The man sat there and thought for a minute and said. Well, 3 years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and I was scared that you were bringing her back.


Jews don't recognize Jesus.
Protestants don't recognize the pope.
Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.


I ask my friend in North Korea how he likes it there.
He said, "I can't complain".


A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blonde replied...... 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'


Not long after that, the same blonde returns to Target. She struts up to the Customer Service desk, and in a matter-of-fact tone, asks to see the manager.
"What can I do for you, miss?" the manager asks.
The blonde, pointing to a display of appliances, says "I want to buy that television."
"I'm sorry," the manager says, "but after a complaint we received about a thermos of all things, we no longer serve blondes here."
Irritated by this, the blonde goes to a nearby salon and has her hair dyed. She once again returns to the store, and once again approaches the manager.
"I want to buy that television!" the blonde says, pointing.
The manager narrows his eyes at the woman suspiciously. "I'm sorry," he says, "but unfortunately, we no longer serve blondes here."
Furious now, the blonde storms from the store. She enlists the services of a plastic surgeon, drastically alters her appearance, spends several months recovering, and then finally returns to the store.
"Sell me that television!" shouts the blonde.
"I'm sorry," the manager answers, "but we don't serve blondes here."
"Now just wait a minute!" the blonde replies. "I dyed my hair. I got plastic surgery. I completely changed what I look like! How do you know that I'm a blonde?!"
"Because," the manager says, "that is a microwave oven."


Milk is the fastest liquid on Earth.
It's pasteurized before you even see it.


I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 14, 14, 14, 14. My curiosity got the better of me so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration I then heard the people start chanting 15, 15, 15, 15.


I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.


My neighbour has had a record 44 concussions.
He lives very close to me.
A stone's throw away in fact.


To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present.
They are due back at the library today.


I once attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt.
It was a waist of time.
-This joke was presented in such a timely manner.
-Took me a minute to get that reference.
-Hold on a second... Is this happening?
-I gotta hand it to you, that's pretty impressive.
-This is a secondhand joke.
I made a pair of gloves out of watches.
Now I have a lot of time on my hands.