2885 - Saturday jokes

An 80 year old man visits a brothel looking for a "date" but all of the girls are busy, so the madame takes him to her room. Eventually, after the lights go out, the unmistakable sounds of a great and furious copulation are heard. He was huffing and puffing, she was screaming and pleading, the floor was creaking ,and the bed was squeaking, until at last, the act was complete. After a few minutes the old man caught his breath and said "my God, had I known your pussy was so dry and tight I would have brought some lubrication or something" She starts to pick at her crotch and says "If I had known you could actually get it up I would have taken off my panties!"


Who is both a knight and a spy?
Sir Veillance.


I don't get why there's so many signs around saying "Free Wi-Fi."
I mean, I've never heard any Wi-Fi being held hostage.


A man walks into a restaurant in Spain. He sits down and orders his food. As he is waiting for his meal, a waiter walks by carrying a tray of food. The food smells so good that he immediately flags down another waiter and asks what it was that just passed him by. The waiter says, "ah Señor, those were the testicles of the bull that was slain at todays bullfights." The man, being a culinary adventurer, asks if he may also have this dish. "alas, es imposible," exclaims the waiter, "there is only one pair available per day." The man thanks the waiter, eats his food, and leaves. He comes back the next day, early, and requests the remains of the bullfight. The food comes and the man immediately eats it all. "How was it today, señor?" asks the same waiter as before. "Delicious!" exclaims the man,"I have but one question." "si?" inquires the waiter. "Everything was fine, but the portion today was so much smaller than yesterday. Why was that?" the man asks. The waiter replies, " Sometimes, señor, the bull wins."


A group of friends is meeting up for their monthly round of golf when Jim shows up. Paul says "Hey Jim". Jim says "Don't call me Jim anymore you have to call me Lucky, you know that plane crash the other day 200 people died well you're looking at 201"
Next month at the golf game everyone shouts "Hey Lucky!" when Jim arrives "Guys you have to call me Lucky Lucky now, you know that bus crash 39 people died well you're looking at lucky number 40".
The following month they once again meet up for golf when everyone sees Jim they shout "Hey Lucky Lucky" "Sorry guys you have to call me Lucky Lucky Lucky, I was screwing this guys wife and he came in and shot me in the ass!" "How is that lucky?" "Because 30 seconds sooner and he would have shot me in the back of the head".


I got pulled over by a female cop.
When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said,
"NOTHING"
or
"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."
or
"Oh, don't pretend like you don't know."


A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for £500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done. Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price, he has his secretary send a check for £250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) there was plenty of heat; and
3) it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied. That there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note,
The girl immediately returned the check for £250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.


A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”


For this Valentines day, I'll be inundated.
Oops. I mean I'll be in, undated.


A guy auditions for a gig at a piano bar. He plays a beautiful, original piece and gets hired on the spot. The club owner asks, "By the way, what's the name of that song?" The guy responds, "You Got a Beautiful Set of Tits."
"Woah, woah," says the club owner, "You're a great player but you gotta keep titles like that to yourself."
The next night the guy is playing and everybody is loving his music. He takes a break and quickly runs to the restroom. On his way out a guy stops him and says, "You know your fly's open and your dick's hanging out?"
"Know it? I wrote it!"


An American nuclear engineer is talking with a Japanese nuclear engineer about a new material they're planning on using for gamma radiation shielding. The Japanese engineer asks if he can see it in action, so the American takes a piece of iron about 3 inches thick and puts in front of a gamma source. The American pulls up the data for the counts detected by the gamma detector on the other side of the iron.
The American says, "So, on a scale of one to ten, we'll call iron's shielding capabilities about a seven."
The American then takes away the iron and puts a 3-inch plate of lead in front of the gamma source. He once again allows the system to collect data, and after the same amount of time, shows the Japanese engineer how the counts have gone down significantly.
The American engineer says, "We'll say that's about a nine."
Finally, the American engineer replaces the lead with a 3-inch thick slab of their newly-developed material, and allows the test to run for the same amount of time. When he shows the data to the Japanese engineer, the counts are almost zero--far below the counts recorded for lead.
The Japanese engineer, astonished, asks, "So what do we call that?"
The American responds, "A ten, you Asian."  (attenuation)


What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now?
Probably clawing at the inside of his coffin.


So my girlfriend thinks I'm stalking her.
Well, she's not a my girlfriend yet but she will be soon.


I told a girl her eyebrows were drawn on too high.
She looked surprised.