2892 - Saturday jokes

When I was your age, before the Internet, there was none of this e-bola. We just had plain bola. And you know what? We were thankful!


Four friends met up for a game of golf, and while one man went to grab a drink, the other three men spoke about how successful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks back to the group of the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.


What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin' Catholic...
or
Virgin Mobile...
or
A holy stroller.


A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.''Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,'said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


How do you get a 90 year old lady to yell fuck?
Get another 90 year old lady to yell "BINGO!"


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”


My dad never really loved me as a child.
I can't really blame him though;
I wasn't born until he was an adult.


What connects The Sixth Sense and Titanic?
Icy dead people.


A patient goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have the strangest problem. I have silent farts. I fart all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. In fact, I must have farted twenty times since I came into your office. What should I do?"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and says, "Take one of these a day and come back in a week."
A week later, the patient returns, very confused. "Doctor, what did those pills do? I still have silent farts, but now they stink like crazy!"
"Good," says the doctor, "we've got your sinuses cleared up. Now let's work on your hearing."


I went to a restaurant named Bulimia's. The food was pretty good, but the line to the bathroom was unbelievable.


Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfoundland search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.