2920 - Saturday jokes

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft.
I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.


A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can't give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose. The doctor finally relented.
Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office....his right arm in a sling.
Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
Man: No one showed up.


A guy walks into a bar with a frog and sits down to order a drink, setting his frog (in its cage) on the bar. A few seats away from him sits a beautiful, young woman. They're the only two at the bar, so after awhile, with curiosity eating away at her, she asks,
"So what's with the frog?"
The guy responds, "Well, he's no ordinary frog. He can do this special trick."
The girl, now interested, asks, "What's the trick?"
To which the guy responds, "Ah- well... It's kind of a taboo sort of thing. It would make you uncomfortable."
But, the girl insists, until finally the guy gives in and tells her what the trick is. "My frog, he, well, he eats pussy."
The girl is shocked, but also somewhat excited, so she asks, "Can I try it?"
The guy says, "Okay, sure. I've got a few hours to kill. I have a hotel room across the street, here's the key, just take him over there and let him do his thing."
So the girl takes the frog and heads over to the hotel. After a little while, the phone at the bar rings, and the bartender hands it to the guy. The girl is on the other end.
"Hey, so, I'm sitting up here, spread-eagled, naked on the bed, and the frog is just staring at me, not doing anything. What gives?"
The guy lets out a sigh and says, "Okay, hang on, I know what to do. I'll be right over." And sure enough, there was the girl, naked on the bed, the frog just staring at her. So the guy walks up to the frog, shakes his fist at it and says,
"I'm only gonna show you how to do this one more time!"


What type of milk does Mitt Romney use with his cereal?
One percent.


I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f**k are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."


A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod for her son's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. An associate is standing there in dark shades. She says "Excuse me, could you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but she drops it on the counter anyways.
He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with Zebco 404 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says "It's amazing you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she open her purse her credit card falls on the floor.
"Oh that sounds like a Master Card" he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way for the blind clerk to know she was the one who farted. Being blind he wouldn't know she was the only one around.
The man ring up the fishing rod and says "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel are $20.00. But the duck call is $11.00 and the bear repellent is $3.50."


How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.


On the first day of school, a first grade teacher explains to her class that she's a Seahawks fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Seahawks fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand? 'Because I'm not a Seahawks fan' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you aren't a Seahawks fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you're a 49ers fan?' "Because my mom's a 49ers fan, and my dad's a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan too!" "Well" said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be?' Janie smiled and said 'I'd be a Seahawks fan.'


Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy?
Beats me.


A man walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've got a huge problem..."
"Okay, come in and show me what the issue is," says the doctor.
The man enters the room, reluctantly drops his pants and bends over the doctor's table. He then pulls his cheeks apart, and shows the doctor the piece of lettuce that's hanging out of his rear.
"That is a huge problem!" exclaims the doctor.
The patient then replies, "Doc, that's the just tip of the iceberg."


Jesus at Last Supper...
breaks bread - This is my body
pours wine - This is my blood
opens jar of mayo...
Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there Jesus.


I got arrested at the airport last week.
Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.


A baby is born and after the initial examination, the doctor returns with some news.
"Ma'am," says the doctor, " I'm sorry to tell you this but your son was born without any eyelids. But, it is an easy fix." He says "After we've circumcised him, we can surgically recreate new eyelids with his foreskin."
"Oh dear" says the new mother "but won't that make him cock-eyed?"
"Yes" replies the doctor "but he'll have excellent foresight"


I just searched google for 'Lost Medieval Servant Boy'.
All I got was "Page Not Found".