2941 - Saturday jokes

A man stopped by to see his friend who recently broke both his legs. After about an hour of conversation, Mike asks, "Bill, would you mind running up stairs and grab my slippers for me? Stairs are a little difficult." "Yea man. No problem." As Bill is walking down the hallway upstairs he peeked through a door and sees Mike's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters. He opens the door and says, "Your dad sent me up to have sex with you two." With the look if disbelief on their faces, he says, "Look, ill prove it to you".
He yells downstairs and says, "Hey Mike. Both of them?" Mike "Hell yea, both of them!"


The NFL has hired their first female referee.
"5 yard Penalty, number 37, oh, he know's why."



A student played high school football. He was a great running back, but a really poor student.

At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed if Sam could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma. The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. The principal had the diploma in his hand and said, "Sam, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." He said he was ready and the principal asked him the question. "Sam," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

He looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. he said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium and the students began another chant.
"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"



A guy gets out of the shower, looks in the mirror and says, "Damn!"
His girlfriend hears him and asks, "What's wrong?"
The guy says, "Every time I look in the mirror when I'm naked I get a boner!"
His girlfriend replies, "That's because even your dick thinks you're a pussy."


Watch out. Some spoilers coming up...
Microorganisms. Humidity. Light. Heat.


An woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband, I’m sure he’ll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”


A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What’s wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'


A baby seal walks into a bar, bartender asks what he's having.
"Anything but a Canadian Club."


A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger's broken."


The Soviet Union had just collapsed and the Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to survive. A customer goes up to a street vendor.
Customer - Was this meat barking or meowing?
Vendor - It was asking stupid questions.


So I came home the other day to find a gorilla up on my roof busting up my house. I called an animal control company. The man showed up assessed the situation and told me he was going to climb up onto the roof and when the gorilla was not looking he was going to hit him in the head with a baseball bat causing him to roll off of the roof and hit the ground. At that point, his pitbull would immediately run over and bite down on the gorillas testicles paralyzing him. I said sounds great. He said okay, here I go, hold the shotgun. I said why do I have to hold the shotgun? He said just in case of an emergency. I acquiesced . As he climbed up onto the roof, he started to sneak up behind the gorilla but was seen. The gorilla then backhanded him knocking him down and as he started rolling off of the roof he was screaming, "shoot the dog, shoot the dog!!!"


My wife told me to go to the store and pick up some milk, and if they have potatoes, get 6. I soon came home and she asked why the hell I had 6 gallons of milk. I said, "They had potatoes".