2955 - Saturday jokes

An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. Each one orders a pint. Three flies land, one on each glass. The American gags and pushes his drink away. The Englishman shrugs, flicks the fly away, and drinks the beer. The Irishman grabs the fly, shakes it up and down, and shouts, "Spit it out, sucker!"


In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet propaganda.
Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.


A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment. She says: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you” The boyfriend says: “Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ?” “Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?”


If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.


An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thirty five thousand six hundred times, shame on the weatherman.


An old man is sitting in his chair watching the game when his 6yr old grand-daughter sits on his lap, begging him to talk like a frog. "Why do you want me to talk like a frog?", the grandfather asks. "Mom says we can all go to Disneyland when you croak.


Anal sex is like broccoli. If you're forced to have it as a kid, you won't enjoy it as an adult.


Hi Alan – It’s John from next door. I need to talk to you about something I am very ashamed of and know you will probably be quite angry about. The last 3 months we have been sharing your wife. Not every day, but at least 3 times a week and my girlfriend found out yesterday and is making me tell you. I didn't want to tell you face to face so decide to message you. Sorry buddy.
“Damn Straight it wont happen again” says Alan as he stares at the screen of his phone. With this, he goes to the bedroom, takes his gun and goes into the kitchen where his other half is preparing dinner. Without a word he shoots her.
As her lifeless body drops to the floor, Alan's phone receives another message: “John again from next door – stupid autocorrect, sure you saw the typo. Anyway we won't be sharing your wifi.


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay,' he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."


We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


A toilet was stolen from a police station today.
It's a pretty serious crime.
The police have nothing to go on.
The are still looking for the poopertrator.


Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it.


A pastor bikes to his friends house every monday. One Monday, the Pastor shows up 3 hours later than usual. His friend asks, "Why were you so late today?" The Pastor replies, "My bike was stolen so I had to walk here."
His friend thinks for a minute and says "I know how you can get your bike back. Next Sunday, preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', look at the congregation for anyone who looks guilty. That's the person who stole your bike"
The following Monday the Pastor shows up at his friends house on his bike. "Good news! I followed your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments," said the Pastor. "But when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike"


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


A man's wife is in the hospital. The doctor come into the room and says, "Sir your wife is very ill and I'm afraid there isn't much we can do for her at this time." The man looks very distraught so the doctor adds in a quieter voice, "Look there is some anecdotal evidence that oral sex can be beneficial to people with your wife's condition, you could try that."
The doctor leaves the room and 5 minutes later the cardiac arrest alarm starts going off.
The doctor rushes back into the room and exclaims, "What happened?!" The husband says, "I don't know, I guess she choked."


"Doctor, tell me, if I quit drinking will, will I live longer?"
"It will definitely feel longer."


A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'


I snorted coke for the first time. I think I did something wrong because the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.


Children are like farts...
-You can only tolerate your own
-They both make waiting rooms and car trips horrible
-They are always funny in the bath
-Both are flammable
-They both ruin sex when they appear in the bedroom
-You can always blame someone else for either
-Once you reach a certain age, you don't even try to control them anymore
-They can wake up your spouse in the middle of the night
-They are best when outside
-They both occasionally get poop on your car seat