2976 - Saturday jokes

What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
Paddy O'Furniture.


Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.”
His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.”
Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No, I'm serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."


I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.
I couldn't park anywhere near the place.


When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.


A cashier rings up a box of trash bags for a customer. Customer says, "I don't know why I keep buying these things, I just end up throwing them out."


Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.


A sales rep for an American auto parts supplier was in Tokyo for an important meeting with the chairman of Toyota to close a huge deal. After he got to his hotel, he farted and strangely it sounded like his ass said "Honda". Puzzled, he forced out another fart and sure enough it came out "hooonda". Needless to say he was freaked out by this. Every time he farted, it came out "hooonda". He flipped through the phone book and found an American doctor and rushed over. The doctor listened to his bizarre farts, examined him thoroughly then proclaimed he was completely stumped. He sent the salesman to a Japanese doctor that specialized in rare diseases, but this doctor too didn't have a clue. He made an emergency appointment with a gastroenterologist. He too was baffled. On his way out of the last doctor's office, he was panicking. He had to cancel the meeting. How embarrassing would it be if in the middle of the chairman of Toyota's office he let a fart slip and it came out "hooonda"! Just before he went out of the office door, the receptionist called after him. "The doctor recommends you try going to a dentist." "A dentist?", he thought. What the heck. He was desperate at this point so he called a local dentist. When he arrived and described his problem to the old Japanese dentist, the dentist nodded his head and said "you have abscessed tooth." "An abscessed tooth?!?", the incredulous salesman says. "Why the hell do you say that?" To which the dentist replied, "Everybody knows abscess make the fart go Honda."


"Honey, I'm down at the bar having a few beers with the guys. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."


What do you get when you put a female tyrannosaur and a male tyrannosaur together?
Tyrannosaurus Sex!


The year is 2032 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,
'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'
Susan replies, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.'
'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2033, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
Mom says proudly, 'Her brother's a doctor'.


Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself? She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast. She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


The doctors say I suffer from insanity, but they have it all wrong.
I enjoy every minute of it.