2983 - Saturday jokes

Like most people my age, I'm 68.


When I was in college I met a girl at a bar and we exchanged phone numbers.
But then every time my phone rang it was for her. It was very confusing and annoying.


What would you call a store that sold only mints and gum?
Bad Breath and Beyond.


How does every racist joke begin?
With a quick look around the room.


A few years ago I asked out my crush. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


Bad luck Steve Irwin.
Puts on sunblock.
Doesn't protect against harmful rays.


Remember April showers bring May flowers.
But Mayflowers bring smallpox.


None of his classmates liked Bob because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You're driving me insane, Bob.”
One day Bob’s mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.
The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of New York, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform at the Cleveland Clinic.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.
She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong.
When he turned around he saw Bob, working as a janitor in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to plug in his floor buffer.


I heard women in this country get 78¢ for every dollar a man earns.
On the down side, men only get to keep 22¢.


What do you call a squadron of baby soldiers?
Infantry.


I just watched a documentary on marijuana.
I think all documentaries should be watched that way.


I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?" I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to screw your wife and daughter?"
"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
"Well, neither would Pete".


What's the biggest advantage to living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.


One day Jesus was manning the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered "Pinocchio?"


Reckless driving is bad, wreckless driving is good.


A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck reverse piked with a double twist. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."


I went for a walk in a cemetery early in the day and saw a man crouching behind a tombstone. I said "morning".
He replied, "No, just taking a dump."


What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do.