2990 - Saturday jokes

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Damn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me constable."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really annoy me - kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" She replied: "Not everybody pays."


Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are Italian, the mechanics are German, the lovers are French and it is all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it is all organised by the Italians.


If Ironman and the Silver Surfer teamed up they'd be alloys.


I bought a book on eBay called "How to Scam on eBay".
It still hasn't arrived.


A duck walks into a bar around lunchtime, sits down and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Oh my God, a talking duck! What are you doing here?"
The duck replies, "I'm dry-walling the building across the street. I'll be in town for a few days."
The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey duck, I was telling someone about you last night. They're really interested in meeting with you!"
"Is that so?"
"There's a travelling circus in town," the bartender explained. "The ringmaster was in here last night and thought you'd be a star attraction for them!"
The duck looked puzzled and says, "Why the hell would a circus need a dry-waller?"


Why do computer programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25. ....................... OK OK I'll explain it. Octal 31 equals decimal 25.


While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"


Paddy and Billy were asked to measure a flagpole. They're standing looking up at the flagpole trying to figure out how on earth to measure the height of the pole.
A young lady comes along and asks why they look so confused. "We need to measure the height of this pole" says Billy.
So the young lady pulls the pin out of the bottom to drop the pole, grabs their tape measure and says with a smug grin, "28ft, the pole is 28ft". She then carries on walking.
"Well isn't that a typical know-it-all woman" says Paddy. "Hows that?" asked Billy. Paddy replies "Well we need the height of the pole, not the damn length!"


4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.
2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.


A cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
That's just silly. My dogs can't ride bikes.


The best thing about having a penis is...
Sharing it with people who don't have one...
Said John Bobbit never.


Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle down the road. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."
The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
"I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle."


The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis".


One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.
The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.


I applied to join an optimist club, but I'm not sure they'll accept me.


Two arab brothers open a bed and breakfast.
Their names are Abed and Amil.


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”


Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than a surprise party.

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


A successful woman needs four animals in her life.
A jaguar in her garage, a mink in her closet, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.


An old couple went on a vacation to Israel. While they were visiting sites the wife died. At the morgue they told him it would cost him $1000 to bury her there or $50,000 to send her back home. He told them to send her home. When he returned home his friend asked why he didn't bury her there and save the money. He said '' Jesus was buried there and he rose three days after.. I wasn't taking any chances ''


If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?