2997 - Saturday jokes

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.


Is it bad to hate a certain race?
Because I despise the 100 meter.


A husband and wife are having financial problems so they decide she should go sell herself on the street corner. Husband drops her off on the corner and waits in his car down the block just to make sure she's okay.
Guy walks up to the wife and asks, "How much for the full service?" Wife: Um, hold on! She runs down to her husband and asks him Husband: $100. Wife: runs back to the man $100. Man: Oh, I don't have that much on me. What about just for oral. Wife: Let me check runs back to the husband and asks how much for oral Husband: $75 Wife: $75 Man: Damn, ok, what about for just a handjob? Wife checks with husband Husband: $25 Wife: $25 Man: Perfect, hands her the money and drops his pants. Wife: runs back to her husband. "Can you lend this man $75?"


I was in my local drowning my sorrows when the bartender said, "You won't find the answer at the bottom of a pint glass son. But you're spending a fortune in here so I'll get you another drink. What will it be?".
So I just held the pint glass up to his face so he was looking into it and said to him, "what does it say at the bottom?". "Carling" he replied.


Why is it impossible to run through a campground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.


I was recently sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who was in my high school class almost 50 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended my High School.
“Yes. yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered , “In 1971. Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, “What did you teach?”


The key to comedy? Perfect del...................
ivery.


What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race?
The phrase "I blew a tranny" means something totally different.


As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.
His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.
In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.
The dentist was shocked that it had only lasted three months, so he constructed a new plate and had stainless steel used as the basis.
But again in about three months the patient was back, and the stainless steel plate was corroded and failing.
This time he had the plate made with titanium, but once more it only lasted a matter of months before deteriorating beyond repair.
Totally baffled, he sent the patient to a dental professor known to be an expert in the construction of dental plates to see if he could solve this puzzle.
The professor examined his mouth and quizzed the man about his dental hygiene and diet. "There must be something very acidic that you eat a lot of." The dentist said.
"To tell the truth," the man replied, "My wife makes the absolute best hollandaise sauce in the world. I put it on everything."
"Aha!" The professor exclaims. "Have your dentist make you a new plate out of chrome and you shouldn't have any more problems!"
"Chrome?" The patent asks. "Why chrome?"
"Because," the dentist replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"


That joke about the three helium atoms is pretty funny.
HeHeHe.


Guru asks disciple - If there were two bags in front of you and I tell you one has money and the other has wisdom, which would you take?
Disciple: I would take the bag with the money.
Guru: (Sarcastic Laugh) I would take the bag with the wisdom.
Disciple: Each one takes what he doesn't have.


What do you call a group of rabbits backing up?
A Receding hairline.


Three men walk into heaven after death and find there is only one rule.
There are ducks running around everywhere, and God tells them that the only rule is to not step on any ducks. You must watch your step wherever you go. The punishment of stepping in a duck is that you are forced to marry someone hideous.
The three men begin to like heaven. They are roaming around when the first man hears a loud, pained quack and discovers he had accidentally stepped on a duck. The next day, he finds that God was serious about the rule, and was forced to marry an very unattractive woman.
The next day, the second man went off on his own. He was daydreaming, and accidentally stepped on a duck. He, too, was made to marry a very ugly woman.
When the two men were lamenting over their punishments, they found their friend with a beautiful supermodel wearing a wedding dress. They go up to God ask how he got to marry such a beautiful women.
"Because, she stepped on a duck."


My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.


What do you call two gay Irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.


A guy's life gets really terrible.
So he prays to Jesus, and asks:
"How can I fix my life, Jesus?"
And Jesus revealed himself from the heavens, and said:
"Just turn it off and back on again. Worked for me."


My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
I should have seen the signs.


A crying man walks slowly along the frontier.
He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.
"What's the matter friend?"
The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out here to find an unique piece of land to call our own, but all the land out here's so common. Anything unusual has already been claimed. Then on top of that, Harvey fell off a cliff this morning and died, and I think it was my fault."
"Hmm," the voice replied, "Harvey says it was just an accident and not to worry about it."
The man, amazed at the fact that the hole is communicating with his dead brother, feels his mood get better immediately.
"Why are you smiling?" the quivering voice asks.
The man thinks a minute then says, "I dunno. I came out here looking for a rare stake, but it turns out I'm pretty happy with a medium well."


It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.
One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.


My grandpa always told me to smile if I'm in a fight. No one wants to fight a guy who's happy to be there.


A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear.
Unless it's 3 a.m., you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.