3001 - It's late

It's late and it's been a busy day. So what to do for a post for Wednesday? ..... Hmmmm. HEY! JOKE WEDNESDAY!



The physics teacher said, "Today we're going to do an experiment about Cole's Law. You need cabbage, carrots, mayonnaise, and a sharp knife."


Blonde woman calls her boyfriend.
"Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.
Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"
"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."
Boyfriend looks at the table, takes his girlfriend by the hand and says, "OK, let's sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we can start putting the cornflakes back in the box."


Police: Knock Knock
Me: Who is it?
Police: its the Police.
Me: What do you want?
Police: We just wanna talk
Me: How many of you are there?
Police: Two of us.
Me: Then talk to each other.


A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".


Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning?
He made himself a Pb&J sandwich.


007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."


A bear goes into a bar. He sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him. He then calmly orders a beer.
Bartender: "Sorry, we don't serve drug users in here".
Bear: "But I don't do drugs".
Bartender: "What about that barbitchyouate".


A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordering a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!". Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over.
"Hey...i must be losing my mind", he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts", answered the bartender.
"Say what?"
"You heard me", said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts.....they're complimentary."


A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that no one will steal it. Upon return he sees another note saying "Me too!"


A doctor used to visit the same bar every day and order the same drink day in/day out. "Fix me an almond Daiquiri, Dick!" the fellow asked. "Coming right up!". This was the way it went for years on end.
Finally one day, the bartender realized there were no more almonds anywhere in his inventory, and his customer was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite beverage. In a hurry, he figured that he could use a hickory nut, crush it up, the man would never know the difference. Well, the doctor took a sip of the drink and said "Is this an almond Daiquiri, Dick?". "Well, no, it's a hickory Daiquiri, Doc."


Three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar.
"What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"