3004 - Saturday jokes

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if the planners in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


"My dad's a women's rights advocate".
"Not your mom?"
"No, Dad would never allow that"


I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.


A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.
Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.
Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?
Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.
Guy: What's he doing with your wife?
Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.


Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is hard of hearing.
The first nun said "the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.
The second nun said, "that's great! The carrots are doing great too, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.
The hard of hearing nun shouts, "which priest you talking about?"


Salesman walks up to the door of a house and knocks. A little boy opens the door, smoking a cigar and holding a glass of scotch in his hand.
The salesman says, "Excuse me son.. are either of your parents home?"
The little boy replies, "What the hell do you think?"


I caught my wife cheating with my best friend. She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.


Two friends are in a bar when suddenly the towns fire horn sounds.
The one friend jumps up and heads towards the door.
"I didn't know you were a volunteer fireman!", the friend says.
"I'm not," says the other, "my girlfriend's husband is!"


A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy-eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the old guy says: "I’m telling everybody!"


People call me pretentious, but they're wrong. Pretentious people only think they're better than everyone else.


The sign in the window said - 'Ears pierced while you wait'.


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"


Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's angry at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said, 'It's none of your business how old she is.'"


How do you keep a blonde busy?
Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

I hate spelling errors.
One simple mistake and the entire joke is urined.