3011 - Saturday jokes

If you organise and operate a marathon you can say you've run a marathon without having to run one.


After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac."


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week.
One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”


Billy's canary was dead lying on the bottom of his cage. Billy asked his Dad why when things die they lay on their back with their eyes closed and their legs in the air. His Dad told him it was so God could grab them by their feet and take them to heaven. A few days later when his Dad was pulling into the driveway after work, Billy came running out screaming ..."Daddy, Daddy..Mommy nearly died today!" "What happened?" asked Billy's Dad. "Well", said Billy, "I came home from school today and there was Mommy in the bedroom on her back with her eyes closed and her legs in the air, just like my canary, and she was saying, "God I'm coming...God I'm coming", and if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down...he would have got her!"


Growing up my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be.
Turns out this is called identity theft.


So I saw these two guys walking down the street, wearing the exact same outfit, I mean right down to the belt. So I yelled at them, "Hey faggots, did you plan those outfits or what?"
Yeah they arrested me.


A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''


A cruise ship passed a tiny, isolated island. Everyone on board could see a bearded man on the island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"
"I have no idea," said the Captain, "but every year when we pass by here, he goes nuts."


What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?
Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.


Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?
He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.


Life explained...
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Actual verbiage from a weather forecast. - Showers and thunderstorms likely before noon, then showers likely and possibly a thunderstorm between noon and 1pm, then showers and thunderstorms likely after 1pm.


I wish I could re-enact a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.
The one where she gets a job right out of college.


My boss wanted me to sign up for the company 401k.
I told him, "No way, I could never run that far!"


One day a girl went to church to make a confession
GIRL: Forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: What have you done my child
GIRL: I called a man a son of a bitch
PRIEST: Why did you call him a son of a bitch
GIRL: Caused he touched my hand
PRIEST: Like this, (as he touches her hand)
GIRL:Yes father.
PRIEST: That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch
GIRL: Then he touched my breast.
PRIEST: Like this, (as he touched her breast)
GIRL: Yes father
PRIEST: That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch
GIRL: Then he took off my clothes father
PRIEST: Like this, (as he takes off her clothes)
GIRL: Yes father
PRIEST: That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch
GIRL: Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where
PRIEST: Like this, (as he stuck his you know what into her you know here)
GIRL: YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER
PRIEST: (after a few minutes) that's no reason to call him a son of a bitch
GIRL: But father he had AIDS
PRIEST: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!


I take my wife everywhere.
And she still finds her way home!


Two cops knocked on my door.
Me: What do you want?
Cops: We just want to talk.
Me: How many of you are out there?
Cops: There's two of us.
Me: So why don't you talk to each other?


I've developed a phobia of elevators.
I'm taking steps to avoid them.