3025 - So much to do

It's the 4th of July! Does England have a 4th of July? Of course they do. They just don't celebrate anything today.

Happy 4th from St. Louis.

Here's some funny 4th stuff...




And now for Saturday jokes...


A taxi driver, late one night, was startled to see a stark naked woman rush into his cab. She told the driver the address of her destination but the driver just continued to stare at her in disbelief.
Finally the woman shouted, "What's the matter? Never seen a naked woman before!"
"No, I'm wondering where the hell you're keeping the money to pay me".


What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest?
An afro-fizzy-tits.


An airliner is fully boarded and ready to push-off from the gate, when two blind pilots enter the main cabin. The pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."


Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts?
It's not my fault I'm blind.


A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die".


If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what's on the outside of it?  K9P.


A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.
Doctor: how did this happen?
Blonde: I tried to suicide.
Doctor: You shot your finger for suicide?
Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.


A girl had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week.
He never called her back.


A Doctor requested a sperm sample as part of his physical exam of an 85 year old man.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the darn jar open.'


Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.
When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."


My wife and I were at her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....


A policeman approaches a car and says, "Sir do you know why I pulled you over?"
"Yes, because I was speeding."
"I got you on my radar gun going 20 mph over the speed limit. Any particular reason you were driving that fast?"
"Yes officer I was late for work."
"Well it must be a pretty important job for you to be driving that fast. What do you do for work?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher."
"Wtf is does an asshole stretcher do?"
"Well, you take a regular asshole and stick one finger in it and start loosening it up.
Then eventually you can get two fingers in there and start keep working at it.
Then you get a fist in there.
Then you get both hands in there and really start pulling on it and making it really big.
By the end of the day I can stretch an asshole 6 feet."
"And just what do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" The policeman asks.
"Put a radar gun in it's hands and stick it on the side of the highway."


Guy starts hitting on a girl in a bar. After the initial flirting he asks "Do you like jokes? Because I know one about my penis, but it's too long." She smiles and says " That's funny because I know one about my vagina, but you're not going to get it."


If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.


A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided the teacher glared at the student and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."


I've been with a girl for a while. She's this really cute anorexic girl, but lately I've started seeing less and less of her.