3039 - Saturday jokes

I was arrested for killing a black man and charged with impersonating an officer.


During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband hollers, "Watch out for the wall!"


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discrete??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
Gallagher says, 'I'll go tell him.'


Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.


I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T.
Tuesday, Thursday and Today.


Two blondes are in heaven.
One blonde says to the other, "how did you die"?
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if only you had looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


I, for one, like Roman numerals.


A friend and I got into a fight on a ski lift.
It was an uphill battle.


An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin.
While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.
Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "Gross!"
The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"
...
(groß (pronounced "gross") in German translates to "big,")


A man is in a queue at a store and sees a busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.
"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids", she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Ohhhhh, are you the stripper I screwed at my bachelor party, while your friend whipped me, and your other friend stuck a brush up my ass?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"


I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.
I had to break up with her.
She was seeing somebody on the side.


What lawyers say in court...
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law!


A plateau is the highest form of flattery.


My dad just got a pacemaker.
It came with a lifetime warranty.


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."


My therapist thinks I have a drug problem. My dealer says she's overreacting.