3046 - Saturday jokes

A homeless lady agreed to let me take her home.
I don't understand why she got pissed when I loaded the cardboard box into my pickup.


So this Jewish guy walks into a bar in New York with a parrot on his shoulder.
The Bartender goes where'd you get that?
And the parrot says, "In Brooklyn, they're everywhere."


A man goes to the hospital for routine surgery. When he wakes up from the operation, he finds out there had been a colossal mistake and he actually had sex reassignment surgery. Understandably, the man is distraught. The doctor tries to cheer him up, but it is no use. The man says, "The worst part is I will never be able to experience another erection."
The doctor replies, "You still can, it will just have to be someone else's."


I only drink on special occasions. Luckily for me, I just broke my record for consecutive days alive today.


I told my psychiatrist that I have been hearing voices.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.


At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet …
“Well, stop f**kin' doin' it then, ya evil bastard!”


Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!


Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.


A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose." "Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?" "Well, she didn't put it quite like that. Actually she said, Dad, meet my new boyfriend Bubba. We're going to work together on Huckabee's election campaign."


I work only for Monday and Tuesday. Because after that even the week says WTF!


A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."


"What are you doing?" the patient asked his dentist as he was about to numb him for the procedure. "Little prick with a needle," the dentist replied. The patient says, "No, I asked what you were doing, not who you were."


Why'd the blonde snort a line of Splenda?
She thought it was diet coke.


Little 8 year old Susie is in her backyard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"
Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."
Mr. Johnson asks, "why are you digging a hole?"
Susie replies, "I'm burying my gold fish."
Mr Johnson laughs and asks, "Why is the hole so big?"
Susie replies, "Because my goldfish is inside your f**king cat".


A man staggers into the police station piss drunk at 3 in the morning and tells the officer on duty, "I'd like to have a word with that son of a bitch you arrested who broke into our house last week."
Sensing trouble, the officer informs him that this is against police policy and would not be possible.
"You don't understand," says the man. "I'd just like to find out how he managed to get into the house without waking up my wife."


The Titanic was built to last, let that sink in.


A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."


Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?


I don't trust solar eclipses, they're too shady.


A police officer sees a man walking down the street with two large bags. One of the large bags had a hole at the bottom and $20 bills were pouring out of it. This made the officer suspicious so he decided to investigate.
He stops the man and asks him, "Where did you get that money?"
The man says, "I know it looks very strange, so let me explain. There's a spot near the stadium where people can get a good view inside without paying. So naturally they all go there whenever there's a football game. My house is right next to that spot, and a lot of them get drunk and they like to pee in my hedges. I got fed up with that, so whenever there's a game going on I hide in the hedges with a hedge clipper and wait for them to come up to take a piss. As soon as they stick it in the bushes to relieve themselves, I bring the clippers up to their wieners and say, '$20 bucks or it's coming off!'"
The police officer laughs and says, "That's pretty smart. But what's in the other bag then?"
The man says, "Well, not all of them pay".


My favorite exercise is a mix between a lunge and a crunch.
It's called lunch.


Josh, where jack had had 'had,' had had 'had had.' 'Had had' had had the teacher's approval.

(Jack had used "had". Josh, on the other hand, had used "had had". So where Jack had had "had", Josh had had "had had". Of those two options, "had had" was the one the teacher approved of.)


Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo
In more common (American) English syntax, you'd probably say something like: "The bison from Buffalo that are bullied by other bison from Buffalo reciprocate the bullying to the latter group of bison from Buffalo."
Less words: "Group 1 is bullied by group 2, but group 1 also bullies group 2 back."


English is weird.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.