3053 - Saturday jokes

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried it and it doesn't.


Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore but he did have a hand in it.


A 77-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. His friend which was 70 years old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 77-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

I'm dating a girl named Lee Ving. I have a feeling it's not gonna last.


A one-armed elderly man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris. The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrass the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter escort the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says, "Vielen dank für den guten abend".


I love my 6-pack chest so much I protect it with a layer of fat.


Internet went down last night.
My neighbor added a password.


Push-up bras don't make them any easier.


I went to the premature ejaculation clinic today.
They told me my appointment wasn't until tomorrow.


An orchestra sits down to perform Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Now, I don't know if you're familiar with the piece, but the string bass players don't come in until the very end, so until then they have nothing to do.
Rather than sit on stage awkwardly twiddling their thumbs, the three bass players conspire to temporarily ditch the concert to go out for beers at the bar across the street.
While at the bar, one of the musicians realizes they might be letting themselves get a little too wasted. He speaks up, "hey guys, it's almost our time to shine. Are we going to make it back on time?"
"Don't worry," says another. "In order to buy us some more time, I used string to bind together some of the pages of sheet music on the conductor's stand."
Back at the concert hall, one of the audience members notices the conductor fumbling with his sheet music. The bass players are no where to be found, and the symphony is almost over. She turns to her friend to ask what's going on.
"Well, it looks like it's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."


As a completely color blind individual, I don't get the celebrate pride thing .... all I see is an ad for 50 Shades of Grey.


A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."


Shortly after his coronary transplant, the man said he'd had a change of heart.


I went to the National Air and Space Museum in DC.
There was a lot more stuff in there than I'd expected.


A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties the guy to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey. I love you!”
She responds, “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you.”


The European debt crisis is so confusing, it's all Greek to me.


Grandpa's favorite activity is widow shopping.


Ho Chow calls in to work and say, "Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today".
The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again and says, "I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"


Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.


A priest and politician are on a plane when the plane suddenly begins to nose dive. The priest reaches for the parachutes and says "Quick, get the kids". The politician replies, "Screw the kids". The priest looks at the politician with a look of bewilderment, "Do you think there's time?"


My girlfriend says I'm too skeptical... but I just don't think that's so.