3060 - Saturday jokes

A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap and spots a speeder. He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day." The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."


There once was a boy named "Odd." People made fun of him because of his name, so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died. Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."


A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ...
And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.. '


Well, you know what they say about cliff-hangers...


Every Friday night, at the local pub, the regulars gather, enjoy each other’s company and ‘toast the night away'… John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's Only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


What do you call a Chinese man with a bad sense of direction?
Wong Wei
(He was very disoriented.)


My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I "ruined" her birthday.
I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her birthday.


My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
‘I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”


How long is a chinese name.


Is it alright to kiss a nun?
Sure, as long as you don't get into the habit.


When you go in the bathroom you're a Russian.
When you're in the bathroom European.
When you come out, you're a Finnish.


I just read about the great Foo birds of Bolivia. They poop while flying. If they hit you, it's considered bad luck to remove the feces until it dries. Roughly translated, the custom is, "If the Foo shits, wear it".


What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit on a spaceship.


A little girl is with her Dad in garden and asks, "Is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?" Dad says, "No, sweetie. There are no mummy-longlegs, only daddy longlegs." Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stomps them both saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our garden!"


I used to date a jurisprudence fetishist. She got off on a technicality.


I have an irrational fear of large intricate corporate buildings.
You could say I have a complex complex complex.


An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."


Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.


My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip.
I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one.
(did you do it?)


I think my entire family is racist. I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family.
My wife and kids wouldn't even talk to me.


I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.


Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With nature in his heart.


A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.


What do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls?
Rick O'Shea.

What do you call an Irishman who has been buried for 1,000 years?
Pete.

What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?
Sean D'Olier.