3067 - Saturday jokes

What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters?
Orange Is The New Black.


Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.


I never understood odourless chemicals. They just don't make scents.


A man goes to a restaurant and orders the soup.
Shortly after he begins to eat, he drops his spoon. Immediately, his waiter appears and pulls a brand new spoon out of his pocket. The man is impressed.
"It's lucky you had a spoon on you," he remarks.
"Oh, no, we all carry spoons," said the man. "The owner of the place is German and he insists that we are all efficient as possible. By carrying spoons with us, we reduce trips to the kitchen and can spend more time waiting on customers."
The diner is even more impressed.
After the meal, while leaving a tip, he sees the waiter walk past. Discreetly, he grabs the waiter and murmurs, "Sorry, son, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replies, "Yes, we all do. Another efficiency measure. We used to each spend a minute or more washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the owner gave us all strings to tie to the end of our penises. When we need to go, we simply pull the string to get it out and then return to work. See, if we don't touch ourselves, we don't need to wash our hands, and we can spend less time in the men's room and more time waiting on the customers."
"Huh," says the diner. "But wait a minute. How do you get it back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."


Did you hear about the Egyptian who refused to accept that he'd fallen in the river? He was in de Nile.


I passed out while out for drinks with a human cloning researcher.
When I woke up I was beside myself.


I'm going to grow old or die trying.


I bought a dog off of a blacksmith today. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.


What do (men/women) and linoleum have in common?
If you lay them just right you can walk on them for years.


Three Aussie blokes named Mongrel, Coot and Bluey, were working high up on an outback mobile phone tower. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife". Mongrel says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says, "Where'd you get the beer Mongrel?" "Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replies.
"That's unbelievable, you actually told his missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer!"
"Well, not exactly", Mongrel says. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken .... I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer you are."


I've got a good knock-knock joke, but you have to start.


A boy tells his father, "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you."
The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63'. Then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' So I ask, 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I supposed to do, stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "What the fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked.
"That's what I said"!


A giraffe walks into a bar and says the highballs are on me.


There's a little boy standing outside of a church swatting at some flies. The priest looks outside to see what the boy is doing when he see's the boy swat at the flies again and say, "These goddamn flies!" So the priest walks outside to talk to the boy. He says, "You know son, God put everything on this earth for a reason." The boy shakes his head, swats at the flies again, and says, "These goddamn flies!" The priest looks at him and says, "Tell me three things that were put on this earth that don't have a purpose." The boy stops for a minute and after thinking it over he says, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these goddamn flies!"


Is nickname short for Nickolasname?


There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?
She responded, "It's my washcloth".
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:
"What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it".
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming,
"I found your washcloth!"
The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with the boy and asked,
"Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face with it."


A backward poet writes inverse.


Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?
Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise.
Teacher: Good, but "fascinated" is past tense. Can anyone else try?
Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow.
Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an "ing" at the end of the word and made it an adjective. I just want to hear the verb "fascinate".
Ernie: Yo mama got a blouse with 12 buttons on it...but she so fat, she can only fascinate!


'I' before 'E' except after 'C' is a weird rule.


A blonde and a redhead are in a bar when they see a man on the news threatening to jump off of a building. The redhead says, "bet you 50 bucks he jumps", to which the blonde replies, "you're on!". Sure enough, the man jumps and kills himself. The blonde goes to grab the $50 from her purse but the redhead stops her and says, " I can't take your money. This is a repeat of an earlier story. I've seen this already." The blonde grabs the $50, puts it on the bar and says, "so did I. I just didn't think he'd do it twice!"


How Long is a Chinese name.


A woman was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, the guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The guy smiled and said, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.


My cocaine is so white the police let it go with a warning.
My heroin is so black the police shot it 37 times.


A man died in his home when a pile of books fell on him.
Police say he had only his shelf to blame.