3074 - Saturday jokes

The first joke is from John. I would have sworn that I'd posted this before but a search has proven otherwise.



A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the HECK would you say?"



A lumberjack applies for a job and the interviewer asks, "so, where have you worked previously?"
The lumberjack replies, "I did a few years in the Sahara Forest."
The interviewer, taken aback, says, "the Sahara 'Forest?' Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
Lumberjack says, "yeah, that's what they call it now."


Two maggots are arguing in dead Earnest.


My buddy showed up to work Monday with a black eye. I asked him what happened, and he said, “Well, I was at church yesterday and there was a woman in front of me. When we stood up, I noticed that her skirt had squeezed into her ass crack, so I pulled it out for her. She turned around and punched me in the eye!”
The next Monday, my buddy showed up to work with the other eye blackened. I couldn't believe it, so I asked him what happened this time. He said, “Well, went to church again, and sat behind the same woman again. When we stood up, I noticed she had a wedgie again.”
“Oh no!”, I said. “You didn't!”. “No,” he said, “but my brother was next to me, and he saw it and he pulled it out. Now, I know she don't like that, so I pushed it back in!”


The furniture store keeps calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.


One day little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, bare ass naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"


Studies show that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.


I called my wife a whore once during sex. She made me pay for that afterwards.


I was having trouble sleeping so I finally decided to see a doctor. He asked me some questions and then eventually came to a conclusion. "I know this may sound silly," he said, "but try counting sheep to help you fall asleep." Well I don't know what this doctor was thinking because I have been up for 37 hours straight and still haven't spotted a single sheep.


A man sees a blonde girl staring intently at a ice cube in her hand. The man asks the girl why she's staring at the ice cube and she responds, "I'm trying to figure out where it's leaking from."


Two hillbillies got married. On their wedding night, the hillbilly groom admitted that he was a virgin and didn't really know what to do.
The hillbilly bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.


So this hillbilly's screwing his sister for the first time, and she spouts off with, "Hey you screw just like daddy." To which he replies, "Yeah momma says so too."


How do you castrate a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw!


Josh: “Pa, I had to shoot ma new wife.”
Jim-Bob: “Whyever for, Son?”
Josh: “On account o’ she was a virgin. If she ain’t good enough for her family, she ain’t good enough for our’n.”


What's a redneck's favorite dating website?
Ancestry.com


What’s the difference between cats and dogs?
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.


Shout out to my arms for always being by my side.
And...
my legs for supporting me and being there every step of the way,
my eyes for helping me see the way,
my fingers for always being able to count on them,
my spine which has always had my back,
my feet for keeping me down to earth,
my shoe inserts for giving me support,
finally the sidewalk, for keeping me off the streets.


I wanted to tell you a joke about selfishness.
But I'm going to keep it for myself.


Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
So I gave him a glass of water.