3095 - Saturday jokes

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.
Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"


What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients?
Asif Eyecare.


I got a bootleg copy of "Alien vs Predator".
It was just some Mexican guy fighting a priest!


What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 65 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap".


What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera?
Phil Ming.


A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."


Starting a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The judge calls both counselors over to the bench and, in a very quiet voice, says, 'Neither one of you better not ask her if she knows me.'


Why were the Romans so bad at algebra?
They always ended up with X equals 10.


What's 2 times 2?
Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”
Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!”
Engineer: “4, obviously, but let's make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”


In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter.
The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2.
So the boy went inside to the manager’s room and said, “An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of butter”.
To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him!
So the boy added immediately, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!”
After the customer left, the manager said, “You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?”
To this the boy said, “I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!”
The manager replied coldly, “My wife is also from Brazil “.
To this the boy asked excitedly, “Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?”


A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, sued St. Paul's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A Hospital spokesman replied: "Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight."


Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?
They can never pass the bar.


I dreamt about a horse last night.
It turned out to be a night mare.


A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”
In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you, Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The other mourner then replied, “I think he means her legs.”


What country most despises cars that run on gasoline?
Mad-at-gas-cars.


Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No, I was standing on it.


I quit my job at the yogurt company.
Didn't like the culture.


Two guys are playing golf, but they are stuck behind two women who are really taking their time. First guy says: "I'm gonna go over there and see if they won't let us pass". So he walks over there, but once he gets closer to the women he quickly turns around and comes back. First guy: "Man, I can't talk to them. One is my wife, the other is my mistress."
So then the second guy goes to talk to them, but he also quickly turns around and comes back and says: "My, what a small world it is..."


Always get your driver's license picture taken when you're stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way.


What kind of pastry does a thesaurus to eat?
Synonym rolls.


A man got shot by a starter pistol.
Police think it is race related.