3109 - Saturday jokes

My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that I have been cheating on her with Clara next door. Last night, she packed her things and was off on her way.
I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.


When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.


She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if she needed some help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car and in 15 seconds it was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"


I'm going to major in Philosophy when I go to college.
So one day I can ask, 'Why do you want fries with that?'


It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."


I thought I liked spheres.
Then I realized they're pointless.


The UPS guy has turned into the introverts service animal.


Life is too short for my book of 5 letter words.


I told one of my chemistry jokes.
There was no reaction.
-All the good chemistry jokes argon.
-Nothing to do with the rest except barium.
-But it was a Nobel attempt.
-That's why I only tell them periodically.


Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
...
Husband's Diary:
Motorcycle won't start, can't figure out why.


The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer.


People are wondering if Caitlin Jenner should be put in male or female prison if she is arrested.
How about a halfway house?


I have an asian friend who always points out the obvious things.
I call him obvious Lee.


A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" "That would suit me just fine!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by with the same result. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.


What is a specimen?
An Italian astronaut.


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" despite her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"


If I give you breakfast in bed just say, "thank you".
Not, "who are you" and "how did you get in here".