3130 - Saturday jokes

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant.
Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby.


Cowboy is finished drinking, goes out, finds horse missing, and says:
I just went outside, and my horse ain't where I left it. I ain't sayin' someone stole him, but I'm gonna have another drink, and when I go out, if he ain't back, I'm gonna hafta do what I did in El Paso, and I really don't wanna do what I did in El Paso again.
He sits down, has another drink, and lo and behold, when he gets outside, his horse is back. As he swings into the saddle, a bystander asks "What did you do in El Paso, stranger?"
"I walked home."


(This joke was funny when I first found it. Not so much anymore.)
A lion offspring asked his dad "What is a world series?"
"I don't expect you to understand son, you are just a Cub"


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?"
She explained, “The egg timer's broken."


An elderly couple, Sally and Phil, were at home watching TV.  Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"


An elderly couple sits in church. The old lady leans over and whispers, "I just let out a really big silent fart, what should I do?" The old man says, "You should replace the batteries in your hearing aid."


Have you ever seen 'Puns - The Musical'?
If not, you really should. It's a great play on words.


A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "Don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"


Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't".


The mother takes an green olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones".


How many dead hookers do you need to change a light bulb?
Dunno. Seven's not the answer though, my basement's still dark.


My wife is so weird. She starts every conversation with, "Were you even listening to me?"


A man goes to the doctor to consult regarding his stutter.
  Man: "D-d-d-doctor, have the re-re-re-results come back yet about the source of my st-st-st-stutter?"
  Doctor: "Yes, after extensive examination, I have determined that the reason for your stutter is because of your enormous penis. We will have to perform surgery and replace it with a regular sized one."
Conflicted, the man ultimately agrees as his terrible stutter has hindered him since childhood. He undergoes surgery and had his penis replaced. Thankful, he goes back to his home and returns to his life.
After a few days, the man returns to the doctor troubled.
  Man: "Doctor! I would like to have my old penis back again. My stutter is gone but I can't satisfy my wife in bed like I used to."
  Doctor: "N-n-n-no takebacks!"


A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway. At the end of the first day, her supervisor is impressed. "Wow!" he says. "You did two miles today! That's amazing!"
The second day, the blonde's production is down to one mile. "Still pretty darn good," the supervisor says.
On the third day, the blonde only does a half a mile. The supervisor calls her into the office. "What's going on?" he asks. "The first day you did great with two miles, then yesterday you were down to one, and today you only managed one half. What's the problem?"
The blonde rolls her eyes and says "Duh! The paint bucket keeps getting farther away!"


I snuck into where you're at right now and wrote 'gullible' on the ceiling right above you.


A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."


I bought my mom a fridge for her birthday present.
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it!


I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer with the only credit card I had left and it was declined. I literally can't buy shit.