3144 - Saturday jokes

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out aloud from the container "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."


My daughter asked if I am going to die someday.
I said, "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."


Jack says to his friend Mike, “I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?" Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."


My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.
I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?


Teacher - How did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet?
Student- I'll ask this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters.


Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a life vest.
-How was his wake?
-It was a wave of tears.
-Is this a pun thread? Water we using for pun material this time?
-Currently it is.
-We shore could use Dave's dry wit right now.
-He would have been able to keep this pun thread afloat.
-He would've had better aspirations for this thread I'm afraid.
-There is a undertow of dark humor in this pun thread.
-It leaves me with a sinking feeling.
-I thought it was swell.
-I sea what you did there.
-Never joined one of these pun threads before... is it too late to get my feet wet?
-Of course not. as long as you show some riverance towards the dead.
-Oh, the humidity!
-That buoy will be missed.


A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”


The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache." So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. I sucked three dicks and my head still hurt.


An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"


My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.


Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."


My friend asked me why I have sex noises saved on my iPod.
I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."
He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"
I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."


Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.
Teacher: Well unlike your birthday, this test was planned ahead of time.


I discriminate against people who lose toes to frostbite.
I guess you could say I am lactose intolerant.


Shout out to all the people wondering what's the opposite of in.