3151 - Saturday jokes

An accordion player walks into a bar, orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.
Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.
He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.
Sure enough, someone had put another accordion in his back seat.


Binary - it's as easy as 01, 10, 11.


The sun is a space heater.


It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." Said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. One hundred fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT", said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Center.


I switched to a much tighter neck brace and will never look back.


"DO NOT TOUCH" would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."


When I heard they had invented a cure for dyslexia,
it was music to my arse.


I organized a threesome the other night.
Had a couple of no shows, but still had a great time.


A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"


Man in boxers leads police on brief chase.


I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers. There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure bread crumbs.
The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.


What do you call Muhammad Ali with indigestion?
Gaseous Clay


A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint.
Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned.


Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you. (I am forever in your debt.)