3158 - Saturday jokes

Did you hear that the Apple CEO announced he was gay?
The next day the Samsung CEO announced he was gay and waterproof.


A guy's brought into a psych ward for an evaluation.
Guy: Doc, I'm not crazy.
Doc: That's something crazy people say.
Guy: But...okay, so what if I say I am crazy?
Doc: I'd trust your judgment.
Guy: So what the hell do sane people say?
Doc: 'My insurance doesn't cover this.'


It was early morning at the military base and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames"
"Here!"
"Jenson"
"Here!"
"Jones"
"Here!"
"Magersky"
"Here!"
"Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
Then a voice was heard from the back of the platoon... "Turn the paper over Sarge".


The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled.
"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye, Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ...."


Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?
That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s Furniture Emporium.


A psychiatrist is testing his patients.
He asks the first one, "What is 4+2?" The patient replies, "potato".
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the second one, "What is 4+2?" The patient replies, "5000".
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the third one, "What is 4+2?" The patient replies, "6".
The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! You're making progress. How did you figure it out?"
The patient replies, "Well doctor, I just added potato + 5000 and got 6".


What are the three words you don't want to hear while having sex? "Honey I'm home."


An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand shakily made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when his wife suddenly smacked it with a spatula.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."


My friend gets an erection whenever he sees chickpeas.
He's a hummussexual.


A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Since he wasn’t familiar with that phrase, he went on his way, looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two rumpled duffel bags!"


Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?


A CEO, A Vice-President, and an Engineer are all on the Golf Course.
The engineer hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll go get it!"
The vice-president also hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it!"
The CEO then also hits the ball into the woods and says to the vice-president: "Fire the engineer. He should have warned us that might happen."


How did the blonde break her leg from raking the leaves?
She fell out of the tree.


My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed.
I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "Having an existential cry, Sis?"