3165 - Saturday jokes

I was always a home builder but lately I’ve developed an apartment complex.


So two hobos are sitting around a fire cooking hot dogs and drinking whiskey.
The first bum says, "I had the best day today. I went into town and I found these hot dogs that we are eating and this whiskey that we are drinking. What more could a guy ask for?"
"That's pretty good", says the second hobo, "but my day was even better. I was down by the railroad tracks and I found a beautiful girl. We had sex in every position you could imagine!"
"That does sound good, did you get any head?"
"Nah, I couldn't find it".


A young artist exhibits his work for the first time and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
.
So then the artist takes it to a dealer and asks, "how much would you give me for this painting?"
And the dealer replies, "five dollars".
And the artist says, "but the canvas cost more than that!"
"Yes, but it didn't have paint on it then".


A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The gal's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know", said the old man..."But let me tell you about my weekend."


Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."


A father has decided that his three daughters were now old enough to understand the more serious things in life, so he called them one by one to his room.
When the first one came in, he took down his pants and asked if his daughter knew what it was. His daughter replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Shocked that his daughter already knows so much, he grounded his daughter for a week.
He called his second daughter in and also took down his pants. When he asked if she knew what it was, she also replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Needless to say, he also grounded her for one week.
He called his last daughter into the room, took down his pants, and asked if she knew what it was. She replied "No, daddy, what is it?" The father was happy, knowing that his daughter is pure.
"My good daughter, this is a penis." he says, starting his talk, but is is interrupted by his daughter saying,
"You call that a penis?"


I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.
That makes the number of girls I've made wet this year -1.


I don't understand why some Christians promote abstinence as a form of birth control when it didn't work for Mary.


A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.


My friend wrote a crossover of Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider.
It was good, General Lee speaking.


I like to read the Constitution for the articles.


GOOD:
Lawyer: "I see cases like yours all the time. I went through it thoroughly, and found several things I think I can use."
BAD:
Baggage Handler: "I see cases like yours all the time. I went through it thoroughly, and found several things I think I can use."

I hear there's a support group for overly talkative people.

It's called And On And On And On Anon.