3193 - Saturday jokes

A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments.
I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello.
Close, but no sitar.


An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”


So, this guy was going to Crusade. He put on a chastity belt on his wife, gave the key to his best friend and said, "if I don't come back in 3 years, set her free." He starts off on his horse. After a while, he sees a big cloud of dust behind him. Someone was riding his horse really fast. So, he waits. The horse catches up to him. It's his best friend.
He says, "You gave me the wrong key".


All my friends have birthdays this year.


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'.


Dasher, dancer, prancer, and vixen.
The four stages of Bruce Jenner.


ISIS just frozen water.


A rich old man goes golfing with his friends and he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks, "How did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least forty years younger than you!"
"I lied about my age"
"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?"
"I told her I was ninety"


Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with two girls in a laundromat then runs away.
The newspaper the next day reads: "Nut screws washers and bolts."


Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.