3207 - Saturday jokes

So I'm sitting here at the computer trying to think of something to post today. Then, sloooowly but surely, it dawns on me that this is Saturday.



A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"


What is Chipotle most known for?
A. Steak Bowls
B. Delicious Tacos
C. Chips
D. Burritos
E. Coli


Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub and my sister commented that the hair on her ‘‘privates’’ was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that, "grass don’t grow on a racetrack".


A bacterium walks into a bar, and walks right behind the counter.
The bartender says "Hey! you can't be back here, employees only."
The bacterium replies "It's okay, I'm staph."


Why will people click on any link with sperm or eggs in the headline?
Hey, sex cells.


What is the difference between a hyper-active gamer and someone with a predilection of violence towards sheep?
One's a button masher, and the other is a mutton basher.


I burned my Hawaiian pizza.
Should have put it on aloha temperature.
When I picked it up I burned my fingers.
So I put on some aloha vera.


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'


I told my therapist that no one understands me.
She said, "What do you mean by that?"


I told my therapist that everyone hates me.
She said, "That's not true. Not everyone knows you."


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. After watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other players and whispers, " Wow, that's a really smart dog!". The man whispers backs, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"


A sign on the monastery gates announced 'Public lunch served daily. Fish and chips our speciality.' A couple decided to stop in and eat and quite enjoyed their fish and chips. They went to the kitchen to compliment the chef. The found a someone and asked, “Are you the fish friar?” “No,” he replied. “I’m the chip monk."


Whiteboards are truly remarkable.


A couple were holiday shopping at the mall, and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said: "Honey, do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He replied: "Well, I'm in the bar next door!"


What do you call children who are born in a Whorehouse?
Brothel Sprouts.


A cowboy walks into a saloon and orders himself a drink at the bar counter. Turning to the fellow sitting next to him, he slowly utters, “Combat. Battle. Warfare. Skirmish. Brawl. Scuffle.”
The other man slams his glass down on the counter, gets up out of his seat, turns to face the cowboy, and says, “Hey, them’s fightin’ words!”


The fastest way to eliminate all Muslim Jihadis?
Tell the Chinese that their testicles are aphrodisiacs - - in 5 years, they will be extinct!


What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?
How will I ever find another performer of your caliber?


Why do Indians hate snow?
It's white and it's on their land.

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.


I don't know how to act my age.
I've never been this old before.


Have you heard of the, great, ancient Greek philosopher Mediocrates?
His primary philosophical viewpoint is "eeeeehhh"