3214 - Saturday jokes

Photographers are so violent.
They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.
-Just thinking about it makes me shutter.
-Just wait for issues to develop.
-It'll all happen in a flash.
-It'll be fine as long as you stay focused.
-These puns are a little saturated aren't they?
-There's still no contrast between this thread and your typical pun threads.
-Don't be so negative.
-Things aren't always black and white.
-These are so bad. I give the whole thread an F. Stop it now.


You have to be odd to be number one.


Stereo types exist for a reason.
Because not everyone wants a Sony.


Two men were sitting next to each other at a pub in London.
After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’
The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’
The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So am I!’
‘Mother Mary and begorrah. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’
The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’


Woman goes to get crotchless panties to surprise her husband. When he gets home from work she throws her leg up on the arm of the chair and asks, "Honey you want some of this?!" He says, "Hell no, look what it's done to your panties!"


What do you call Bono's stupid brother?
Duno.
What do you call his accident prone brother?
Ono.


I parked in a disabled space today and a cop shouted, "HEY! What's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off!"


Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Joe, then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly, as well. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman, again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly, again. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


I can totally relate to batteries.
I'm not included in anything either.


A man sees that his neighbour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin.
"Hey bub, where's ya bin?"
"I took a little vacation for a few weeks."
"No. I meant where's your bin?"
"Told ya, vacation, at the beach!"
"No man. Where's ya wheely bin?"
"Ok, fine! I've wheely been in jail! Happy now?"


Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command.


Roses are red
Violets are glorious.
I wouldn't surprise
Oscar Pistorius.


What's the difference between a South African prison and Leonardo Dicaprio?
A South African prison has an Oscar.


Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door.
His girlfriend is dead against it.


Oscar Pistorius drinking game - every time someone goes to the bathroom take four shots.


Where are average things built?
In a satisfactory.