3233 - Saturday jokes

Yesterday I was at my local Sam's Club buying a large bag of Purina small dog chow for my loyal pets, Millie and Max, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had a pet elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.


I asked my Welsh friend how many times he'd had sex.
He started counting then fell asleep.


A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman. The general stood tall and said, "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said, "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said, "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said, "Well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"


How does every racist joke start?
With a look over both shoulders.


Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'


Bob drowned. So at his funeral we put a life jacket over his grave. It is what he would have wanted.


My wife told me she was going to leave me because of my obsession with The Monkees. At first I didn't believe her. But then I saw her face.


He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"


My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god.
I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.


A maid asks for a raise from the queen. "Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands. "Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?" The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.". The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason. "I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise. The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks, "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT!". The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."


Why do green beans meditate?
To find inner peas.


Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
--Are you saying I'm fat??
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
--Are you saying I'm lazy??
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
--Why, you think I'm hysterical??
-No, I wasn't saying that..
--So you are calling me a liar now??
-God no! You know what, I'll go alone then.
--Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?


I was wondering what my parents did without the internet but none of my 13 siblings could tell me.