3263 - Saturday jokes

Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.


I enjoy political jokes.
I just don't like when they get elected.


I found a substance that works like catnip, except only for Chinese bears.
I'd release it, but that would cause pandamoanium.


Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asked the bartender, "What are those for?" Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for an hour. If you can't, everyone's drinks are on you. Do you want to try it?"
He replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."


A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"


I'm going to check out the new restaurant called Karma.
There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.


A group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she fell, jumped or was pushed.


Why do scuba divers falls backwards off of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.


An Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."
And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9" says the man.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree...so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd.


A guy is cleaning out his deceased grandfather's attic. He discovers an old oil painting and an old violin. He decides to take them to an antique dealer to have them evaluated.
The antique dealer studies them both carefully and says, "What you have here sir is a Stradivarius, and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painter, and Rembrandt was crap at making violins."


I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit". So I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."


Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow,
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"


When my wife asked me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.